Monday, September 1, 2014

Another Anniversary

As I came upon my 21st wedding anniversary, I asked my sister Becky to spend it with me because she makes me happy. We spent it at the campsite, and despite 52 bug bites I did laugh and have fun.
We were joined by my sons, some neighbours and of course my mother-in-law who is kind enough to let us put our camper in her backyard bordering the Rock River.
Brandon caught his biggest fish ever, my chilli dogs were a hit and I came home with plenty of time to work around home and relax on my Labor Day off.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Missing Him

I 'liked' a Facebook group called Widows United. One of the questions readers responded to was, what do you miss the most about your husband?

For me, it would be the laughter. We teased a lot. Then, there is the great meals he made. And how no one can make certain meals just like he did.

But, perhaps the hardest for me is our bed. He would hold me till I fell asleep for naps. Then, if he couldn't go out, he would get up and make breakfast. I'd wake up to great smells.

I think it's odd no one responded to the question by saying, "I miss the making love" I won't either.

Monday, August 25, 2014

What We Think About

Why do I struggle with self esteem issues? Yes, I've had criticism over my lifetime as everyone has. But, it's amazing, I can remember so clearly the place, time, person and words that were spoke negatively about me. I find myself replaying the scenario in my mind.

Now I've also had some definite build-up moments but I don't always remember those. Why is that, when it could be so beneficial?

It's very appealing to be around someone who is confident and not always belittleing themselves about their weight, or lack of skills.

I actually think I'm okay. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all. Too bad my beholder is not here anymore. I'll have to be my own beholder.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Control Of What?

Sometimes I spend too much time trying to control things and then being disappointed when they don't end up the way I want them to. I wonder if everyone spends as much time second guessing themselves as I do.

Maybe I'll just let life happen.  It's going to happen anyway, I might as well relax. I'll do some stretches and deep breathing and be on my way. Oh, and I'll smile.

One of my favorite posts on this blog was one where I needed to trust God in Steven's terminal illness. Here is an excerpt;

There are times we all find ourselves in deep water. Maybe you were having a Titanic moment goofing around with your arms out straight feeling the wind. Or maybe you stood on the edge of the ship and foolishly jumped at your own choosing. In my case I was blindsided and pushed. One minute I was smelling the sea air thinking how good life was and the next I'm sinking. In my head I'm thinking bodies rise and float right? But maybe that's when they're dead. I struggle to the top and burst free taking a giant gulp of air. There is drift wood and I grab onto it for support.

So here are my choices. I can flounder around kicking and splashing and perhaps attract the attention of a shark. I can cry and scream out, "Why? Why?" to the empty darkness. Or I can float.

I don't know where this ride is going and that is scary if I think too hard, so I don't. But I know I have something to hold onto and I'm not letting that go because it's my saving grace.

 Oh Lord, can I truly just lay my head on my arm, close my eyes and You will take me on this journey? Can I trust You to never leave me and make sure I have what I need to survive until my feet touch land? Your promise has to be different than Steve's though because he promised he would never leave me, and I think he's going to.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Being Grateful

When Steven died, I wanted to die too. I was exhausted in every way possible and will remain thankful to everyone who was there for me. So I lived, but in a state of numbness. Now I am grateful for life. Grateful to have survived and most of all grateful to have loved like I did.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

The Secret

I was watching this documentary called The Secret. It basically says you call into action what you think. It shows a guy going to the mailbox and thinking how there will be a bill inside and sure enough there is. But, if he had approached the mailbox with the vision and feeling that there would be a check in the mailbox, that would be more likely to happen.

It said we order what the universe gives. If you think you will have bad luck all the time, you will. I know someone like that. If something bad can happen, it will happen to him. He'll be the first one to start at the beginning of time and tell you each and every bad thing. But, that is what he looks for and shares about and according to the documentary, that is what he gets.

It said our minds are the power behind our consequences and if we think in error, we just  rethink and life will correct itself. This was where I realised how very good it feels to know I'm NOT in control and can admit I DON'T know what is best for me. But my Jesus does know. He knows the story of my life and what happens 16 chapters from now.

I don't know the middle part of my life, only that I'll be given all I need to endure what happens. What I do know, is how the story ends.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

A Healing Kind Of Faith

Without faith, there is no confidence in a life beyond this one. Our living is useless, powerless and impotent. I want the kind of faith that allows for meaning and purpose in my life now. And even more than than that, I want the assurance of peace that comes from confidence in a life eternal.

Even in my saddness, I can say, "This is temporary, I will heal." And I am. The loss of Steven does not seem all consuming as it once did. It doesn't take the whole day to recover from a time of tears. I can laugh and think more positive about tomorrow and the day after that. And I can feel peace knowing my real home is waiting in Heaven.