Friday, April 24, 2015


I spent two days in Chicago with my son, Joshua. We went to Brookfield Zoo, then to Steve's brother's house to stay the night. He treated us to fine dining at Mon Ami Gabi. The second day we walked the Indian Market and bought spices and mixes and some lace for me of course.

I had so much fun. I don't think we ever get over the enjoyment of spending time with our children. We watch the way their minds work just as we did when they were 4 years old. And we strive to keep them happy. Even when they are in their 30's and still want to ride the carasol and go the the petting zoo. They are just bigger. Much bigger.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Don't Speak

It's funny, on the weekend when I don't work, I can go all day and not say a word to anyone. That seems so strange, but I'm sure others who live alone may go days without hearing their voice.

But what it does is leave me time to think and I can easily get down. How can I love being alone and get depressed at the same time. Is it possible to be sad and not even know why?

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Where Does Our Energy Go?

As we age our energy lessens. No matter how we take care of ourselves. I have noticed this greatly in the last year. I workout, eat really well, sleep more than anyone I know and still can't seem to rake longer than an hour. What is up with that? And darn if I don't have a big yard.

Moving to a condo would take care of the dilemma, but I really like this house. So I need to find a way to hire it out. When there's a will there's a way. Take it from another budgeted item and pay someone. It will be worth it!

Monday, March 30, 2015

Aggressive Words + Soft Voice = Nothing

I think my biggest fault is not being aggressive enough. There are times it is needed, even from the mild mannered. I'm taking a personal finance class. One of the lessens is to barter. We practiced say, "That's not good enough!", in class. But, my words were soft, my expression smiling.

I counted on Steven to take care of confrontation. He was good at it. Maybe from dealing with insurance companies in the business. Now, without him, I avoid it. Maybe it's a woman thing. What do you think?

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Prayer Quota

Everyone needs prayer. I needed it really bad as I nursed Steven. So even though its been almost 2 years, I feel like I used up my quota and I still won't put my needs in the pot. God knows what they are. I'm good.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Plans For The Future

I have had a few people tell me it's okay to date now. As though I were waiting for consent after a certain amount of 'widow days'. But, I'm just letting life happen and enjoying being alive.

When you watch someone suffer as much as Steven did before he passed away, you get a new appreciation for waking up each day. Yes, the winter has been bad, and I've had my share of colds,  but I'm so thankful for life.

I had a friend tell me that God knows my everyday from birth to death. Any anxiety I have about who I meet and who I share my future with or if I remain alone are dispelled. It's a relief really, to know I'm not in charge. I've made some bad choices when I tried living outside the shadow of God. It's a great way to get burnt.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Getting A Man To Talk

Even though Steven had a 30 year old business, he wouldn't broach the subject of what should be done with it when he passed away. When he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, my greatest fear began. Only this was life and not a nightmare you can wake up from.When you are a caregiver, you want to do everything you can to make the sick person comfortable. Being a nagging wife was not in the cards. So how was I to get the knowledge only he had?

I consulted a pastor who spent time listening to me as I struggled. He said Steven may never talk. This was not acceptable, but what choice did I have? Stomping my foot and slamming a door were not me. And didn't he have struggles he wanted to talk to someone about? Was he scared of death or pain? Was he worried about me or the boys? There were lines I couldn't cross and being the good wife I would let it go. But I knew this was not how a healthy marriage should work. Silence, he was good at silence.

Do you know your spouses wishes? Is there a way to pay for things? Talk about this while you are both healthy. After all, none of us will escape it.