Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Why Am I Here?

How is it I can walk from the kitchen to the bedroom and forget what I walked there for? This concerns me, because it's becoming more apparent. I should feel better by the fact that walking back to the kitchen usually reminds me. I recall too how I can lose something without even leaving my chair and wonder what I will be like 20 years from now. It's a scary thought...one I will probably forget.

Monday, July 20, 2015

The End Of The Story?

Tonight, I go back to 2013 of my blog, and the mouse just hovers over July. Why am I hesitant to click and read the end of the story? Sure it makes me sad but I owe him the courtesy of remembering how it all felt.

So I read and I cry and feel it all again. And while my words are so very sad, the comments that were wrote by people to each post spoke in a love as deep as the one I have for Steven. There were uplifting words and Bible verses. These people cried with me and encouraged me to go on. I cannot emphasize how much that helped me. Thank you each one.

If I read the blog as an outsider through July and August 2013, my thought were to feel so very sorry for this couple having to deal with all the dynamics surrounding an impending death. How did they do this with each day getting closer to the end? I think it was raw humanity, broken hearts begging with little physical strength and God.

I'm so thankful I took the time to write like I did back then. I would never have remembered those moments in each day. But what about now? Was that really the end of the story? If so, there is a Book 2, because I still breathe and blank pages must be filled.  I'm not sure what it will be called, but Support 2 Lanes will be ending soon but be remembered forever.

Friday, July 17, 2015

The Second Anniversary

As I near near the 2nd anniversary of Steven's passing I am again amazed at the passage of time. Where does it go so quickly? My thoughts are their usual scattered of ups and downs but fortunately life has taken on a new rhythm. I could never have imagined I'd be able to ever be happy in this setting, but for the most part I am.

I read Widows United on Facebook and feel for these women who after years of being alone have not moved on and are still carrying a load of grief that prevents them from ever seeing the joy life still has.

Our husbands are usually our main source of comfort and companionship, our best friend. It takes time to accept the reality that that is all gone. Yet in every minute after the shock wears off you are reminded. This emptiness cannot be filled with family and friends.

When I think of Steve, I try to be content with the knowledge that for him, the pain is gone. He is no longer in a fight to the death with cancer. And I remind myself that in all the love he had for me, he would want me to be happy. He kept telling me I'm stronger than I think and I can do this, and again, he is right. He always loved being right.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015


Widowhood has been both easy and hard. Easy in some ways to adapt to, because I am fine by myself. Hard in some ways because there are many jobs that are just easier if you are the husband. Men seem more task oriented and mechanical.

I went to a dating website and viewed some of the profiles. These men want someone who they can potentially marry and have a life partner. That's not what I want. I don't want to live anywhere else nor have anyone move in with me.

I want my artwork laid out on the dining room table for weeks. But I want the bed made neatly each morning. Bathrooms have to be clean all the time. No TV on just to make noise. I want to dance to booming music with no one watching, and sing loud making up lyrics as I go along. I want to text 12 people then wait for them to respond and keep it all straight. I want to cry uncontrollably just because I thought of something about Steve. I want to talk about he and I. Maybe because it involved 23 years of my life and it's hard to leave him out of stories.

I had a friend tell me when I meet Mr. Right all that will go by the wayside. But I already met, had and lost Mr. Right.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

No One Is Like A Spouse

There is no one else who really cares like a spouse. If you have a bad day or even 3 in a row you may not even mention it to someone in a 10 minute phone call. If you are sick and go to work anyway, no one is going to call later and encourage you to go home and crawl in bed, or get up in the middle of the night to get you medicine, or know what you are going to say before you say it, or knows why you are sad on a certain day, or makes you stop working because you've done enough

I'm tired, tired of hard work that doesn't work, and tired of thinking.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Answer to Prayer

I got out my old journals to see what was going on in my life. In my 2001 journal I was studying the Book of Jabez. I was asking God to allow me to touch other lives in a way that glorified Him. I ask for opportunity and the drive to speak publicly. I prayed for God to send me someone who needed me so I could do His work on earth. Boy, did he answer that one.

He gave me someone who needed me to help him fight his terminal cancer while be in acceptance of his absolute silence about his situation. This blog served as my podium for public speaking. I poured my soul and prayers out to total strangers and like to think from the comments I received that I impacted a few people.

But I also made stupid mistakes during that time that impacted my life in big ways. I not only lost a husband in that year of suffering, but became estranged from a friend I had had for 30 years. That was a big life changer too. After all, who do you turn to when your husband is dying but your best friend? And then I needed to find someone to turn to about losing her. Never underestimate the power of God, new friends and counseling! The hands on the clock keep turning and while in the good years you think you could never live without someone, in time you find you can.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Thoughts of Steve

I hear a car pull in the drive and a door slam and think it may be Steve coming home. Sadder is that the car is never even in my driveway but a neighbors.

I hear the main office door open at work, and think it has been a long time since he came to see me...but it is never him.

When shopping, I'll hear a hack or snort and kind of smile thinking of  all the noises he made. And for just a moment I feel sorry for the wife who is walking next to the snorter.