Friday, May 20, 2016

And I Thought Abraham Had It Hard

As I listened to a sermon on Abraham's obedience in sacrificing Isaac as an offering, I said a quick prayer asking God to not ask me to ever do that. And I heard His say in my head, that I already am, every day.

It brought tears to my eyes as I realized He was right. My hands are tied as far as their salvation and all I can do is offer them to God in trust. It is both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because I can only show by example the joy and peace obtainable from God, and a curse because I love them more than life itself and can't for one second imagine the alternative of eternity in heaven.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Home Is Where We All Want To Be

We have a tear off portion on our bulletin at church. You can write out a prayer request and drop it in the offering. Or you can put in a prayer request at our website. These are printed out and as a staff, we gather and pray for each one of these. It was incredible how many of these there were at our Easter services. So many sad situations like illness, finances, unemployment, relationships and so on.

But there one short request that has been on my heart. All it said was, I hope I can go home soon. It made me wonder the circumstance behind it. Was it a teenager, a husband or wife estranged? Perhaps a hospitalization, rehab or foster home were the separating culprit. Regardless, it made me thankful home. It's just me and my plants so there is not a lot of welcoming when I come in the door, but it is home.

I pray for this person, to soon be home.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

The Last Sermon on Healing

As I listened to the sermon this week on God's ability to heal, I was reminded of the last time Steven came to church with me. Ironically, it was also on healing. I thought of him the whole time the pastor spoke, knowing it wasn't irony at all that he was here for this message but wondering what he was thinking. Church had never been a comfortable place for him. And especially now when the odds of catching a cold were much more likely around this many people.

I knew Steven probably would not be healed from the cancer that had left him bald, weak and with only a whisper for a voice. But it did not stop me from the mantra prayer that came as easily those days as breathing. "Please God"

I was silent as we left the church. We walked not hand in hand like we used to, but slowly, weakly, as one who had to deal with poison in their veins and radiation in their brain. He finally spoke,
 saying simply, "I guess I needed to hear that."

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Is A Dream Better Than Nothing At All

I had the weirdest dream last night that I was held. Held as in man and wife at night sleeping. It wasn't a sexual thing at all, just that physical warm enfolding that we take for granted when we are married for years.

But, I woke up sad and missing Steven. We knew just how to fit. Someday, I'll have that again. And he and I will learn. It seemed so long ago since I had been held while I slept. I don't know why I can't be happy I had it in a dream.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

The Good The Bad And My Ugly Gums

March was a very hard month for me. We purchased a new software system where I work, so I trained several days to learn it and still needed to keep up with my responsibilities. Then I needed to take what I was taught and write procedure for my volunteers, while keeping up with my responsibilities. The next step was to train my volunteers. I needed to keep a good attitude despite being as frustrated as they were over the unfriendliness of the program. And revise my procedure over and over as we found new ways to enter or print information.

I then had a week off,  but it was for my 2nd gum procedure. After making the mistake to go back to work right after the first side and not being able to take the pain medication I needed, I knew this time I would not work. So pain meds and time off do not equal an enjoyable week. But the good news is I only have 2 sides to my mouth so no more of that business.

At the end of the month, I was getting caught up from my time off and trying to figure out how to print the necessary paperwork to balance accounts and put together the bank reconciliation with the new non-friendly software. That is where I am now.

April is a new month. My birthday month. So I'm going to be happy no matter what. Spring is in the air. I'm recovering and not in pain. I've discovered and taught something difficult, and I have this wonderful blog to write all the good and bad.

Monday, March 28, 2016

The Post Holiday Let Down

As I revised my checklist for the Easter celebration held here, I missed Steve so much. I missed his help in planning and getting it all ready. I know to not deep clean until after the event but I usually have a project or two that would not be safe staying out. And as you invite 20 people, you never really know how many are going to show up. It's not protocol to let the hostess know. So you plan seating and silverware and still end up short. You find out as you are cleaning up that you ran out of plates and forks. AFTER it's over. After people used snack bowls and spoons for their main meal.

I don't think it helped have a 2nd gum procedure done 4 days previous. This meant I would not be eating most of the food served that day. And although I told myself I was not going to complain, I did, to everyone who asked me how I was. I guess I could have just told the truth and said I'm tired of doing 2 of the 3 big holidays by myself. Or ask one or two family members to come an hour or two early or to stay and help clean up. I'm exhausted at the end, then proud to have made it through another get-together. I'm reminded that Easter is not about food and silverware, but a risen Christ that made it possible for me to be free from the bondage of sin as His Spirit lives in me.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

The Noise I Think Is Him

Sometimes, I hear a noise and think it is Steven finally coming home, walking through the house. I think that if he did walk through the door at that moment, I would not act surprised at the fact that he passed away 2 1/2 years ago, but would act totally normal. I'd ask what's for dinner.