Monday, April 14, 2014

The Missing Journal

I started a new devotional and journal days after Steve passed away. I poured my heart out in mourning and sorrow. I read what I was studying called, The One Year Book Of Hope, which is what I needed. I needed hope for my future by myself.

I took this journal with me when I went to Phoenix. Since I returned home I haven't been able to find it. So, I started a new journal and thought it would show up. It hasn't. I was sharing this with a friend who said that maybe someone found it that needs it more than I do. As embarrasing as that is, it may  be. I don't hold much back in my journals. It's my way of getting out anger, disappointment and frustration. Then the blog is a toned down version where I sound mostly sane.

What would some man or woman, young, old, married or single, think of the rantings of a crazy woman? Maybe it would make them more grateful for life, or for their loved ones, or God? Or maybe the darn journal is under my couch, waiting to be found.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Pain And Heartache

I used to think the only way to help other people was to be emotionally healthy. Now I see, in my brokenness, it can give others opportunity to share their heartache. It allows us to be comrades in the pain and the path to healing.

I see mourning as a chest that holds all the aches and tears, the painful memories and flashbacks. Each time the lid is cracked a bit, I am shrouded in grief over missing my husband. The words I said or didn't say that hurt him, the things he held so closely and couldn't share, the laughing and crying. But, as the chest empties, my hope is that the pain will lessen. Either that, or I'll get used to it.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Let The Creativity Flow

I love making things with a vintage-shabby look of lace and muslin. I also love giving things away to people. Several say what I make is appealing and I could sell them individually or in a craft booth.

I may someday, but right now, I have a deal with God to provide me the time and resources to create and I will give away these gifts. God is so good.


Saturday, April 5, 2014

Fishing With Steven

I told my mother-in-law it would be so sad to not go out on the boat with Steven. She reminded me that the boys would probably take me if I wanted to go.

But, it's not the boat, or the peaceful sound of nothing but birds that I miss. It's Steven and his excitement when he's readying to go. It's taking breakfast, lunch and snacks because you just know it's going to be an all-dayer. It's watching him in his element from the first cast to the last. How I would tease him when it got away, and was silent when he snagged a tree. How I put his sun screen on him because he couldn't possibly stop fishing long enough to do it himself. It was talking, or not talking and the silence was okay because the sound of him casting his line said it all.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

If I Disappeared

I left for church on Saturday in a rush and forgot my phone. No big deal. I don't have to have it strapped to me like when I worried about Steven needing me. But, after church I went to get groceries and then to Menard's. I kept thinking of my phone hoping no one was trying to reach me.

I unload all my purchases and by the time I found my phone to check for calls, it had been over 4 hours. Nothing. No texts or calls. I was relieved and then immediately disappointed. I wondered, if I never came long would it be before someone started worrying.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

21 Day Fast

I don't remember trying to fast for a three week period in the past, so this time is different. I've chosen to fast from sweets. This is big. Really big for me. I love sweets. I would start naming my favorites from number one on down but that would only make me want them more. So I try not to think about them but they call to me when I open the freezer and the cupboard. I think I may have to toss out some really good stuff. And there is no more throwing good stuff out in the yard for the birds since I keep seeing racoons out there.

What I noticed this fast, was my boldness in coming to God. Inside my head I'm thinking how I'm really depriving myself for the sake of obedience and by golly, I should probably get what I want. Now, what is ironic about this is that I'm to come boldly to God in just this way anytime, not just during a fast. If I'm in line with what He wants the 'by golly' should be there in any bold request.

And since God didn't answer my prayer repeated several times to cure Steven, I should have a warehouse of favors just waiting to be asked for. I know it doesn't work this way, but I'm only human and forget God doesn't play by the same rules.

So the fasting seems to be for me too. It makes my thoughts process thru a filter of wants but can't haves. And to think, I'm only through day one.

What Happened To Just Cleaning The House?

I love having this home. But, I liked it more when I just had to keep it clean and well stocked. Literally, that was all I had to do. But now, there are decisions about everything and I have to weigh out cost vs need. Do I trust the source, or should I get another opinion? Is this something that needs attention in the next couple months or it can wait?

From basement walls that have cracks to gutters that spill over, from an attic that needs more insulation to a furnace that needs cleaned. Then there are the vehicles, tractors, and the yard itself which has a steep ravine in back. There is a drip under the sink and some insulation around the sliding glass door to replace. I know the wiring is old and there is an additional water shut off that is almost impossible to budge open or closed. There are receding sidewalks and the deck is moving away from the house. The garage needs organizing but I'm not sure what anything is. I bought a stud finder to hang some things on the walls of the garage but I'm not sure where to put things. There are a couple oak trees that need to go but I can wait on those, unless a strong wind blew one down and it crashes into the house that I've taken all this time to keep up on. Maybe I should tackle the trees first. A couple bushes and vines are dead, and there is a rhododendron that is almost as tall as the house that needs pruning. Steve will have a cow in heaven if I touch it but it's an eye sore 50 weeks out of the year when not in bloom. Maybe God can have him at harp practice that day. Oh gosh, that tickled me. Steven playing the harp!