I sit by Steve's side and listen to him breathe. Even though he is still on the ventilator, they have the medication at a level where he is aware of his surroundings as he fades in and out. He responds by nodding his head or with hand jestures. We are pretty good, so far, at interpreting ventilese. The first time he tried to tell us something, we needed to get the ipad out and he wrote, "I live." Of course that made me cry.
They said, in his recent X-rays, his lungs look better with less evidence of pneumonia. The pulmonary specialist hopes to begin weaning him off the ventilator. So we pray for healing.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Thursday May 23
This morning as I get ready to go to the hospital, I'm overwhelmed by emotions. I'm still going to mend that hole in his favorite jeans. And I will save the last bowl of Lucky Charms for when he comes home. The morels are clean and in the frig. No one fries up the morels but Steven. I didn't drink his 312 or watch a show from the DVR. I did sleep on his side of the bed, but he'll be okay with that.
Steven was ventilated and medicated to put him in a deep sleep yesterday. The medication will be decreased as they see his blood gases improve. This could be anywhere from a couple days to a week. We are praying he can come off the ventilator but with his chronic lung disease this may not happen. While he sleeps and his breathing is done for him, he will receive antibiotics to rid him of the pneumonia.
It's a nap. We kissed him and said we'll see you when you wake up. And there is no reason he shouldn't wake up. If only love could heal...
Steven was ventilated and medicated to put him in a deep sleep yesterday. The medication will be decreased as they see his blood gases improve. This could be anywhere from a couple days to a week. We are praying he can come off the ventilator but with his chronic lung disease this may not happen. While he sleeps and his breathing is done for him, he will receive antibiotics to rid him of the pneumonia.
It's a nap. We kissed him and said we'll see you when you wake up. And there is no reason he shouldn't wake up. If only love could heal...
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
In ICU
We didn't have a follow up appointment for the pneumonia until Wednesday morning, but Steven's breathing had us both concerned. It was a pant, requiring no activity. I think we were waiting for the antibiotic to kick in and the breathing would improve, but it didn't.
I called his oncologist who had him come in. Insurance requires a saturation test to approve oxygen use at home, so we were directed to Genesis East for the test and then would come back to the oncologist and get some IV fluids. I thought he would balk at the use of a wheelchair but he didn't. His oxygen level was 61 which is very low and so he was admitted into the ICU unit at Genesis West. Within minutes of receiving the oxygen, it was as though he woke up. His face had color and his eyes were alert. I just started crying and said, "Welcome back."
I called his oncologist who had him come in. Insurance requires a saturation test to approve oxygen use at home, so we were directed to Genesis East for the test and then would come back to the oncologist and get some IV fluids. I thought he would balk at the use of a wheelchair but he didn't. His oxygen level was 61 which is very low and so he was admitted into the ICU unit at Genesis West. Within minutes of receiving the oxygen, it was as though he woke up. His face had color and his eyes were alert. I just started crying and said, "Welcome back."
Pneumonia
What started off as a sinus infection for Steve, has now turned into pneumonia. We went yesterday for chemo, but they sent him for a chest X-ray instead. So he is on antibiotics. I worry because he is panting. At first it was when he exerted himself. By exertion, I mean walking 12 steps to the bathroom. But now he is panting just sitting in bed. When I would check on him at night, he was breathing 3 breaths to my one. This can't be good on his heart.
I'll call the doctor today and let them know. He has a follow up appointment tomorrow morning. I worry.
I'll call the doctor today and let them know. He has a follow up appointment tomorrow morning. I worry.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
What Is Precious?
What is precious? Precious to me is the feel of his body when we hug. It's a gentle hug because he is fragile. It is the kisses on cheeks because his lips have raw spots. It is the feel of his hands, smooth now where they used to be rough. It is trying not to cry when we make love, as I wonder if it will be the last time.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Being Carried
I was reading that when a sheep continually wanders off, a good shepherd will break it's leg to keep it by his side. Or he will carry it. I don't know if my Good Shepherd is breaking anything on me except maybe my heart, but I do know He is carrying me.
I know my foggy state is nothing amiss medically. But what if this is a gift? That I move and think slow is not my norm but can be calming to a guy on steroids. The fact that I'm not able to completely comprehend my future alone or the path that leads to it is somewhat good I think.
It's amazing to me how important today is, each day when I wake up. Today, I see Steven and I love him so much I cry. Are other wives doing this today? I am blessed with the desire to take care of his every need. I want to be one step ahead of his needs. Because, face it, I don't know how much longer I have to do this. Does anyone?
I know my foggy state is nothing amiss medically. But what if this is a gift? That I move and think slow is not my norm but can be calming to a guy on steroids. The fact that I'm not able to completely comprehend my future alone or the path that leads to it is somewhat good I think.
It's amazing to me how important today is, each day when I wake up. Today, I see Steven and I love him so much I cry. Are other wives doing this today? I am blessed with the desire to take care of his every need. I want to be one step ahead of his needs. Because, face it, I don't know how much longer I have to do this. Does anyone?
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