Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Widowhood

Widowhood has been both easy and hard. Easy in some ways to adapt to, because I am fine by myself. Hard in some ways because there are many jobs that are just easier if you are the husband. Men seem more task oriented and mechanical.

I went to a dating website and viewed some of the profiles. These men want someone who they can potentially marry and have a life partner. That's not what I want. I don't want to live anywhere else nor have anyone move in with me.

I want my artwork laid out on the dining room table for weeks. But I want the bed made neatly each morning. Bathrooms have to be clean all the time. No TV on just to make noise. I want to dance to booming music with no one watching, and sing loud making up lyrics as I go along. I want to text 12 people then wait for them to respond and keep it all straight. I want to cry uncontrollably just because I thought of something about Steve. I want to talk about he and I. Maybe because it involved 23 years of my life and it's hard to leave him out of stories.

I had a friend tell me when I meet Mr. Right all that will go by the wayside. But I already met, had and lost Mr. Right.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

No One Is Like A Spouse

There is no one else who really cares like a spouse. If you have a bad day or even 3 in a row you may not even mention it to someone in a 10 minute phone call. If you are sick and go to work anyway, no one is going to call later and encourage you to go home and crawl in bed, or get up in the middle of the night to get you medicine, or know what you are going to say before you say it, or knows why you are sad on a certain day, or makes you stop working because you've done enough

I'm tired, tired of hard work that doesn't work, and tired of thinking.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Answer to Prayer

I got out my old journals to see what was going on in my life. In my 2001 journal I was studying the Book of Jabez. I was asking God to allow me to touch other lives in a way that glorified Him. I ask for opportunity and the drive to speak publicly. I prayed for God to send me someone who needed me so I could do His work on earth. Boy, did he answer that one.

He gave me someone who needed me to help him fight his terminal cancer while be in acceptance of his absolute silence about his situation. This blog served as my podium for public speaking. I poured my soul and prayers out to total strangers and like to think from the comments I received that I impacted a few people.

But I also made stupid mistakes during that time that impacted my life in big ways. I not only lost a husband in that year of suffering, but became estranged from a friend I had had for 30 years. That was a big life changer too. After all, who do you turn to when your husband is dying but your best friend? And then I needed to find someone to turn to about losing her. Never underestimate the power of God, new friends and counseling! The hands on the clock keep turning and while in the good years you think you could never live without someone, in time you find you can.


Monday, June 15, 2015

Thoughts of Steve

I hear a car pull in the drive and a door slam and think it may be Steve coming home. Sadder is that the car is never even in my driveway but a neighbors.

I hear the main office door open at work, and think it has been a long time since he came to see me...but it is never him.

When shopping, I'll hear a hack or snort and kind of smile thinking of  all the noises he made. And for just a moment I feel sorry for the wife who is walking next to the snorter.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Things I learned the hard way

Don't lick a sharp knife, even for frosting.

No matter how high you turn the blower, you will not get cool air until the air conditioner is turned on.

Checking your teeth when you get back into the car is never a good idea.

Proof reading a text or email can save misunderstanding and embarrassment later down the road.

Swiping at gnats while using scissors can be dangerous.

Sometimes it's best to not tell someone you had a dream about them.

If the directions say will need two people to lift, believe them.

If the bag says dispense only the right amount, believer them. If you doubt this, drive by my front yard.

When praying, watch what you ask for. God may just give you what you want.

Monday, June 1, 2015

A Bucket List

If you ar on a grief journey, consider writing down some things:

-everything you currently enjoy about life
-everything you previously enjoyed pre-grief
-any goals you want to achieve
-any places you’d like to travel to
-anything you’d like to
accomplish
-any dreams you’d like to see fulfilled
-family & friends you’d like to encourage or spend more time with
-any difference you’d like to make
-“life purpose” goals
-memories you’d like to create
-any new skills or hobbies you’d like to learn and enjoy
-any self improvements you’d like to create (spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically, wellness, etc)
-any fun events you’d like to do or attend
-anything else God puts on your heart
Having a Bucket List ensures that life, memories, moments, and opportunities are never taken for granted…or wasted…ever again.
Grief can takes away & destroys so much.
A Bucket List prevents future regrets and loss.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Remnants of Steven

Sometimes, I get flashes of Steven. It may be a moment in time when a conversation transpired. The conversation could be a good one or bad. Depending on the emotion involved, it remains with me as a dream when you wake up. Today I mopped around. The conversation had not been a good one. He could get angry and I feel bad even though he's gone that I angered him. I hope he knew I loved him. Do you think it's a normal grieving experience?