Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Plans For The Future

I have had a few people tell me it's okay to date now. As though I were waiting for consent after a certain amount of 'widow days'. But, I'm just letting life happen and enjoying being alive.

When you watch someone suffer as much as Steven did before he passed away, you get a new appreciation for waking up each day. Yes, the winter has been bad, and I've had my share of colds,  but I'm so thankful for life.

I had a friend tell me that God knows my everyday from birth to death. Any anxiety I have about who I meet and who I share my future with or if I remain alone are dispelled. It's a relief really, to know I'm not in charge. I've made some bad choices when I tried living outside the shadow of God. It's a great way to get burnt.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Getting A Man To Talk

Even though Steven had a 30 year old business, he wouldn't broach the subject of what should be done with it when he passed away. When he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, my greatest fear began. Only this was life and not a nightmare you can wake up from.When you are a caregiver, you want to do everything you can to make the sick person comfortable. Being a nagging wife was not in the cards. So how was I to get the knowledge only he had?

I consulted a pastor who spent time listening to me as I struggled. He said Steven may never talk. This was not acceptable, but what choice did I have? Stomping my foot and slamming a door were not me. And didn't he have struggles he wanted to talk to someone about? Was he scared of death or pain? Was he worried about me or the boys? There were lines I couldn't cross and being the good wife I would let it go. But I knew this was not how a healthy marriage should work. Silence, he was good at silence.

Do you know your spouses wishes? Is there a way to pay for things? Talk about this while you are both healthy. After all, none of us will escape it.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Past Fear

One of my greatest fears in the past was that Steve would die before me. I was afraid because it wasn't something we talked about or planned. We didn't have life insurance or a will. And when I brought these topics up, I was shot down in a way only a husband can do. He did it by avoidance, refusing to even be drawn into the conversation and thus spared explanation.

I think back and honestly believe he thought he was indivisible and above death. He refused to have checkups and wouldn't wear his seat belt. He drove too fast and smoked too much.

I was eventually successful in his acquiring life insurance, but it was not without a fight. Why something could mean so much to me and so little to him is a mystery. Maybe because it hadn't been his idea.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Everyday Is A Day To Be Thankful For

I thank God for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. What does this mean? It means I am an original masterpiece.

I'm alive. That my  body aches when I crawl out of bed matters not. I breathe. I don't want to take life for granted, and not acknowledge the craftsmanship that has gone into my being. I want to make today a day to be thankful. It's a workday, so what, more snow, even better, I have a cold, but I inhale and exhale. That in itself is a miracle.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Pros And Cons

I have to admit, doing whatever I want, when I want is liberating. You don't realize how much of your decision making is based on your spouse and what they prefer. Things like, what I eat, when I get home, what I spend money on or how many activities I'm involved in are all up to me and not what Steve would like. Sometimes, I feel guilty for enjoying this being alone and confused it with why I am now by myself.

At the same time, every decision has consequences and the outcome is all my fault or to my credit. The jobs like shoveling are all mine as is making sure I get an oil change. Home repairs, income, investing and spending money on big dollar items can throw me in a brain spin.

It's then I sit down and turn on some good worship music, pick up my art work and plan my dinner to stop the spin.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Standing In The Gap

Do you have a child that is not a believer? When you pray for them, you are standing in the gap.

Is there a friend who needs a mother's love, but for whatever reason, is not receiving it? Stand in the gap and love them as a mom would. Listen, and advise, or just listen and listen.

Is there a co-worker who is in need? How can you stand in the gap? Pray for wisdom if it doesn't come to you. Pray to be the hands & feet of Jesus and be the gap filler.

Are there spaces in your life between what you are and what you should be? Jesus is there, waiting to be asked. It's easy to think the life you lead is better than what God could offer, but you've no idea the joy and peace of mind that awaits you.

How have you seen God's gracious work in your life? Tell me about it.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

How Long Will The Break Last?

God is much less interested in the circumstances that come our way, then our response to them. How am I responding? Is God's light shining for others to see when adversity strikes?

I have this ill conceived notion that because I had a really hard challenge in my past, I'm exempt from another of life's storms. It would be great to have a few years of smooth sailing to unruffle my wings and gain back perspective.

I will trust, that any plans God has for me are good. I wish I could say I'm doing this because it's right and worth my effort and not because it seems the easiest thing to do.