Thursday, July 31, 2014

How I Am

I am still pretty up and down throughout each day. There is always a trigger that makes me think of Steve. Monday, I listened to the voice mail I have saved at my work phone. Skipping it would have been an option but I didn't know how and at the risk of deleting it, I listened. He's checking in with me, as he would do if his day started off bad when I was leaving for work. His voice is weak and sick, but he says my name, or his version of it, Neece. 

This is the point someone slugs me in the stomach and I bend over in a pain that is bittersweet. Oh, how I've missed that voice, that name, that man.

Maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad if I listened to it with someone. Stop by my office, I'd love to play it for you.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

The Question For Today

I have downfalls and make mistakes. I don't think God is trying to teach me something in these as much as He wants me to unlearn something. Maybe my instinct to fix things myself instead of making my relationship with Him be my top priority.

And in my sorrow,  do the things I find comfort and solace in bring me closer or pull me away from God? That is the question for today.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

What Channel Are You On?

Today, I'm going to smile inside and out and be happy to be alive. I''m going to take time to look for beauty around me, and be thankful. If a negative or sad thought invade, I'll switch the channel back to 'Grateful and Breathing'. The channel is there, I remember it well. I just need to tune in alone now. I can do this, today.

Monday, July 21, 2014

The One Year Mark

Surrounded by family and friends, the one year anniversary of Steven's passing away went well. The plan was for his mom and I to not spend the time alone and reflective and we definitely did not. The stories shared were precious and appreciated. It was evident he was very loved by many.

I'm thankful to those who have tried to make this easier for us this past year. And now, don't stop remembering and talking about him.  Even if we shed tears we still like talking about Steve. And even though it has been a year, we still ache for what we had and now live without.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Don't Use Pillows If You Have The Real Thing

When I think back to a year ago as Steve lay dying, I am swept up with emotion. I wanted him to pass on and be out of pain but at the same time I wanted to beg him to stay and not leave me.  The sensible me verses the emotional me.

I met a woman last week whose husband went into surgery and then passed away. No warning, just a kiss goodbye not knowing it was the last kiss. Who knows which way is easier or has less regrets, but The One who decides our beginning and our end.

Oh, that he could hold me again. Did you know if you put pillows here and there you can pretend they are arms and fall asleep? Please, go hug the one you love. Say the words. Treasure the time.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

I Am Where I Am

I am where I am. This path of mourning has me moving forward one day and then on my knees the next. But, how good to know I'm where I'm suppose to be.
Two friends in the same position as I are dating and engaged. I am still crying all the time. I had someone tell me they have seen so much growth in me, but it's all based on what I tell them.
I ask myself questions to make sure I'm on the right track. Am I leaning on God for my strength and not something else? Am I in The Word? Because that's one way He speaks to me. Am I seeking wisdom, and not just wishing I had it? If so, I'm on the right path. I am where I am.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Questions About Life

What if I didn't believe in God? Where would I think Steven was? What would I do without the hope that I will see him again?

What if words like luck and fate were all I had? As my circumstances of misfortune built stone upon stone around me and I made one bad decision after another, how would I cope? Would I be angry and depressed?

Now add God and the assurance that even those circumstances that pull the rug from under my feet were orchestrated by someone bigger who loves me like no other.  And the stone built around me were living stones being used for a purpose. And there on this sure foundation is a cornerstone named Jesus Christ.