Monday, October 29, 2012

Will it be chemo or fishing

Steven has spent a lot of time fishing since we returned from our trip to Missouri. That vacation was just a warm up.

He has fished with his dad, his mom and recently by himself which he enjoyed more than he thought he would. And the catch has not been bad either.

Today he goes for his blood work and then tomorrow we see the oncologist who will then decide if he should have the last round of chemo. I'm kind of hoping not since it will have him down a week or two and that could make getting out on a boat difficult and take us to mid November. Steve mentioned he could chip ice to motor to where he wants to go but I'm hoping he was joking. Of course I never thought he would really go out in Friday's storm by himself either.

I'll keep you posted on the appointment and the fishing.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Hi God, it's me again, breathing deeply

Hi God, it's me again.

I'm having a hard time with all this and wanted to let you know I'm really trying to relax but my body seems to work in auto pilot.

I keep finding myself with my heart pounding too hard and I'm breathing funny. Can a heart really break? I'm teary eyed and shaky. So I breathe deeply and look to You. Your picture is on my desk and it's like You are looking right at me. But then that makes me cry more. So I close my eyes and breathe deeply and immediately I feel my headache ease. Maybe some yoga? A fatal heart attack would be good. When's the last time you had someone ask for that?

Are you sure you have the right person for this job? After the sermon last weekend I know you have me picked for this but how can I be calm and relaxed?

I'm looking to You, and leaning on You and trusting You just like I'm suppose to. And breathing deeply.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Thoughts on life

Do you ever wish you could push rewind on your life like a VCR? Oops, let's do that again and not be speeding, or if I had just made that phone call one day sooner.

Would you marry the same person again? You know them much better now. The good, bad and ugly of them. I think for the first two years you are on your best behavior and then you let your hair down.

Since there are no do-overs without consequences of getting out of what you are in, do you just adapt and make the best of things? Jobs are easier than marriages to get out of. Kids, not so easy unless it's the first two weeks and really all they do is sleep then. Why is there not a place to drop off our teenagers? Steve said there should be an island we can ship our troubled teens to and then get them back a few years later when they come to their senses. Imagine having a job on that island!

Do you ever wonder why there is less shame each generation? Shame used to keep us in line. You wouldn't want to get pregnant out of wedlock or file for divorce. Now there is no shame in either. If you have a marriage over 20 years you are probably a minority.

Maybe marriage is like a 401K where it only pays off with investment and time. Plus by the time you are old you are likely to forget a lot of things that bothered you about your spouse. I would like to grow old with Steven. I see him as a cranky old fart who growls a lot. I would like to see what he did during retirement after building a business that many years. I would like him by my side to laugh with. We are so good at that already.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Presence of God

As I stood singing in church about how awesome the presence of God is, I felt Him there. I realized in a rush of emotion that I was in the audience of the One and Only person who can heal my husband. I felt My Answer in that room with me. I didn't need $60,000 or even an appointment. He's closer than a phone call. He loves Steven even more than I do and has plans for us.

He is the Almighty and has the only power possible to save his life. And all I have to do is ask and have faith. So I lifted my arms as I worshiped Him and asked my Abba Father to heal him, heal Steve. And how thankful I am for a faith that will never wane.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Take that trip

We had a great time on vacation to Missouri last week. I loved seeing all the family interaction between so many siblings. And I got a front row seat to my grandson's life for one whole week. I have so much to brag about with that little guy. Don't get me started or you might regret it.

While I wish the fishing had been better for the diehard men in this family, the week was beautiful. The trees were at the peak of Autumn brilliance. It was breathtaking no matter which direction you looked.

I'm thankful for this time we all had. Steve was exhausted at the end of each day but saved enough energy for a few beers and some board games or Karaoke. There was lots of laughter and lots of good food.

When you find out you have terminal cancer (or your spouse does) you start thinking of things you should do. Things that you were putting off doing. There is that trip you take while the going is good. Where for a while you forget everyday routines and a calendar full of doctor appointments. As Steve backed the boat in the driveway at the end of our trip it hit me that that was our trip. Oh crap we just took our trip. There will be no more trips short a miracle. Then I started thinking about his brothers and what the week meant to them.

But really, at this point each day we can hold each other is a gift. I want to shout at everyone in jealousy, "Take the trip. Or go take their face in your hands and look them in the eye and tell them how much they mean and how empty your life would be without them. Then gently kiss them. And if that is too your brother."

Do it for me.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Hi God, it's me again

Hi God, it's me again. I love how you know just what I need. The phone rings and it's just the right person, a chapter in a book is just what I need to hear or I get an encouraging card in the mail when I'm feeling my lowest. The last one even offered home made cookies!

This diagnosis has my feelings so raw. Just as little things can make me sad, little things can make me happy. I see my grandson and cry at his beauty. I see the trees change and realize we are headed into another season. I want to be happy because I love fall, but my stomach is in knots over the time that is passing. My appreciation of life is at its fullest, and in my weakness at it's lowest point.

Where did summer go? I can never go back to it and my memory of it now is one of turmoil and incredulity. Something tells me someday I will want to look back to the beginning. The summer of 2012.

I'm so confused God. Help me to see clearer. I'm not sure how to be and think I'm probably okay no matter how I am, but this has proved to be very wrong of recent.

You can heal him. I want you to heal him. Please...heal him.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Granny's rolls

Our first year celebrating Valentine's Day was a special one for me. Not in the gift I got which I don't remember but in the one I gave. It's hard to buy for a guy who appears to have everything and you don't have extra to spend. So I asked myself what does Steven LOVE? And then it came to me, his grandma's homemade rolls and jelly.

I'd not met Steven's grandmother yet and she lived in Cleveland, Illinois wherever that is. So I call his mom and get the number and call this lady I've never met and ask her to make Steven some homemade rolls and jelly. Of course being the wonderful woman she is she said yes.

The day before Valentine's Day I find my way to Grandma's house in Cleveland and introduced myself. She was so sweet. And she loved Steven as I was beginning to realize I did too. We had a great visit and I looked forward to seeing her again.

Steven was surprised at the gift. He is one of those guys who would much rather have a homemade bread products than a sweet snack. And these rolls rocked!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

How much is life worth?

What if you were told there was a doctor who had a cure for cancer but the FDA was preventing this from getting out? This is what we heard recently from a dear friend. She sent us the 1 1/2 hour link to watch. She warned us the cost was $60,000. But it worked fast and had no side effects.

I couldn't wait to get home and check it out. I started thinking of the benefit money, things we could sell, investments we could cash in and we could refinance the house. 'We could do this' became my mantra and my heart sang. The more I watched about Dr. Brusinski the more excited I became. It is during the last 10 minutes that a list rolls up of the types of cancer this treatment cures. Ours wasn't mentioned.

So we are back to what? Reality? Denial? Immense sadness? Where I am is 'in this minute', not 'this day' or 'this hour'. I'm doing the best I can with the coping abilities God has given me and leaning on the strength of those holding us up.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

What if...

What if we all wrote about the one we love? If we shared stories of our history both happy and sad but always speaking in a positive light? I think it would remind us of who it was we fell in love with and rekindle those feelings again.

We tend to forget the things they have done in the past that made us so thankful for having found them. It's easy to get caught up in the business of today and the 'me' feeling we phase into after a few years of marriage. But back in the beginning it was all about them. Finding out who they are and who they were that made them that fantastic catch. Lingering on every word of their stories as though each one was a newly wrapped gift sitting in front of you. They had your full attention. Do we do that anymore after years of listening? Look them in the eye and expectantly, silently wait for their words?

Remember how just the thought of kissing them could make you sigh? Kissing, real kissing is a thing we tend to lose after years too. I heard a great way to rejuvenate a marriage is to have a 5 second kiss every morning before leaving for work and when you came home. It's kind of hard to be mad at someone for forgetting the milk with a kiss like that. It sets the tone for the evening together.

If you can't write a blog about the one you love, maybe just take time to close your eyes and revisit the you that could not wait to see them again. Then surprise them with a kiss.

Friday, October 5, 2012

The baby

We knew we wanted to try and have a baby. Steve had no biological children and I was in my thirties, so it was feasible. The boys were both in their teens at this point so it would be like starting over for me. We decided to give it a year and see what happened.

It was during the last month of that year that we got pregnant. I couldn't wait to tell Steve. He was ecstatic, as was the his family. A baby! He knew it was a boy and I knew it was a girl.

The first few months were uneventful. I put on some weight but rather enjoyed it. During the forth month I started spotting and called my doctor. They scheduled an ultrasound. I was really excited at the prospect of seeing my little one. I was not expecting Steve but he showed up at the last minute which made it even better. Not once did I think anything was wrong.

The rest is kind of a blur. The young technician performing the ultrasound lay down the wand and left the room saying she would be back in a minute. She had the doctor call us on a phone in the room we were in. She said the baby did not have a heartbeat.
I can't describe to you the feeling of going from expecting a baby to not expecting. All in one moment. There was just stunned silence. And then we both held onto each other and cried. That's the only time I've seen Steve cry.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Not just my hero

Steve has been known to put out some fires. One was our neighbor's deck. The fire was ignited by a tiki torch and it had spilled across the deck toward the house. The neighbors ran inside to get the fire extinguisher but couldn't get it unplugged to use. Steve was mowing the yard and ran into our house, grabbed our fire extinguisher, raced over and put out the deck fire which was now a big blaze. He has been their hero ever since.

The other fire incident was at a wedding reception. All I know is one minute we are sitting and eating at a table and the next Steve is running toward the bride at the buffet table like he is going to tackle her. The napkin she had been holding beneath her plate had been set aflame from a candle on the table. He was her hero too.