Sunday, December 30, 2012

Random thoughts

Since September I've been making Christmas gifts. Now I'm done and all the items for making are put away. As I sat in my new recliner last night I felt discontented. What do I do now? What was I doing before that kept my hands busy? New project? Old project? Oh life is good when hands are busy.

I had a thought on the way home yesterday that eventually I will be coming home to an empty house. I wonder what I will have to look forward to. A day off? A vacation? Why? I'll just have more time alone. I used to complain about not being in charge of the remote control to the T.V. Now I don't want it if it means I'll be alone.

I have a confession. When Steve calls me...sometimes I don't answer. That way he goes to voice mail and I will at least have his voice. I sure hope nothing happens to this phone.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

On to the shortest week ever

We had a awesome Christmas. Everyone was healthy and cheery. We had a wonderful Christmas breakfast served by none other than the master chef Steven. The candle light service at church included drummers and a good message.

The day came complete with gifts and nap time. The highlight gift was definitely the recliner I got. It swivels, rocks and reclines. Who could ask for more? I wanted to sleep in it last night but forced myself to go to bed.

We went to Aunt Becky's house for dinner and dessert. I had mostly dessert and brought home baggies full...to share with Steven of course. I had fun teaching Parker who is one to turn around and go down the stairs backwards. He was a quick learner. He now holds his arms out to me to be picked up which is a real compliment since he doesn't do that to everyone.

Now I'm off to work on a Monday which is actually a Wednesday. Everyone who knows me knows what my Mondays are like. I wonder if others are as confused on what day it is as me. This will be the shortest week ever!!

Monday, December 24, 2012

Not a good sharer

Christmas morning at our house is probably a normal one. Coffee, music, some food that smells wonderful and our family. Despite having homes of their own our boys will usually come on Christmas Eve and spend the night. I know it's because they can't wait to rip into their stockings Santa filled. I tried to explain that there is a new generation of children (grandson) and they now need to be adults, but it didn't work. You would have thought I took their life savings. So Santa came one more year.

We have a dear friend Amy who makes this wonderful toffee candy. She found out how much Steven liked it and one year made him his very own batch. I wrapped it and he opened it and when the boys saw him hugging it to his chest they, being who they are, had to take it away. This picture ensued.
Thankfully no one was hurt. Steven got his candy back which he promptly hid and had two pieces each night until it was gone.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Empty hands

Do you ever wonder if God is making a mistake? He says He causes all things to work together for good, but I'm not sure I can wait that long. I don't want something good to come out of this, I want Him to take it away. I want to tell Him there is nothing He can ever do to make up for this because this it too much.

I want to play "Let's Make a Deal" with Him because I feel it worked before. What else can I give except me? Is it all I really have? Surly I have more than that? I hold out my hands and they are empty

I read how He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine. I don't know when or how, through this trial, but I know why...because He promises He will. Cling to this, hold tight, watch empty hands raise in thankfulness for what you cannot see.

This is only a test

I have this urge to hold him really tight and beg him not to leave me. Please, I can't do life without you. But what could he say to that? It's not like he wouldn't change the situation if he could. Everything centers on not making him feel any worse than he does already.

We used to have tornado drills when I was in school. We would go down to the basement of the school and sit with our heads between our knees and our hands laced over our heads. Why does this sound so comforting to me? Am I the only one hearing a siren?

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Breaking up is hard to do

I had a friend share the woes of a recent breakup with her boyfriend. She was having a hard time accepting this. I don't think it surprised her, but the finality she felt moving on put her in a whirlwind of activity. As we talked on the phone I tuned out and started thinking off my own situation. That's rude, I know, but even worse was when I said to her that I wish Steve were just leaving me and moving on. I wish we could run into each other in 10 or 20 years and he was happy with someone else and another family. If he could just live and be happy or shoot I'd settle for live and not be happy. Of course what could she say after that? But, she still calls so I guess we are still friends.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

A great Christmas

Our Lane Christmas weekend went very well. It's funny how you are scrambling for days to ready for a party that lasts hours. One minute you're looking at a list of way too many things and the next you are relaxing with family.

The food was wonderful as usual thanks to Willis. The shopping got done thanks to Bob and Tena. The game Apples to Apples kept us laughing for a couple nights. But entertainment kudos go to Steven. His walking into the room wearing a long red wig about had people on the floor. I was laughing too hard to take pictures but I know there were lots. Of course we then had to pass the wig around so everyone could try it on.

Steven held up really well for how he felt. His stomach was giving him problems and getting him to rest was hard. He now has his appetite back and is digging into leftovers.

Fred was Steve's ride to his MRI last Monday. We don't know the results yet but he will have the radiation regardless. He had his head shaved since he will be losing his hair. This treatment will tie him up for about a month with fatigue. My prayer is that it will be worth it to him.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

It's Christmas Eve

It is Christmas Eve at our house. We are all a little sleepy from breaking out the games last night but nothing a cup of coffee won't help.

Today I wrap and finish sprucing up the place while too many Lanes cook in one small kitchen. I'm so excited about the family all being together and having fun.

The current events have made me realize how tragic and short life is. I feel guilty looking forward to something while all the families in Connecticut are grieving in a way I can't imagine. I keep praying for those hurting each time my mind goes there.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Hi God, it's me again, waiting for rescue

Hi God, it's me again. I love knowing today is not a chance occurrence but a perfect plan of Yours. That, and my love for this man is what is getting me through this day. You have seen me floundering yet wait for me still. I hate the fact it takes so little to make me lose my temper. Curse words are out before I have a chance to think about it. Yet You wait for me to come to you. Your arms are filled with gold tinged love ready to wash over me and soak me.

So much scripture tells me to cry out to You and You will rescue me. What does rescue look like? All I see is that I'm not dying. I know I should be grateful that I even have You, but other than still being able to breathe I don't see any rescue. Could it be you are rescuing me from something worse than I'm going through right now?

I'm thankful for everything and do trust in You. I can spill my guts and You won't think less of me for my confused state of mind. I don't have to do some grandstand performance to earn You. I remain grateful for the hand that reaches down for me and pulls me from this pit life has so carelessly thrown me into. And I praise You for the rescue I am not able to see but know is there.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Give me my bed

I've been in bed since 10:30 Monday with what I don't know. Low grade temp, fatigue, dizziness, nausea and headache. Today I am better and think I'll try to go to work for a while. We haven't had trouble keeping our distance since I haven't left the spare bedroom. I pray I get my energy back quickly since Missouri may arrive today and Wisconsin tomorrow and the festivities will begin. I want this to be as stress free as possible for him but it's not starting out very well.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Radiologist appointment

We had our consult with the radiologist who agreed with the oncologist on preventative brain radiation. He said the memory loss happens most often in patients over 70 years of age. Downfalls to the procedure are complete hair loss, a sunburn on his forehead and fatigue.

He has to have an MRI which is scheduled for tomorrow night. Be prayerful as this test was very hard for him previously. We are checking on meds he can get before the test begins to help calm him from the claustrophobic feeling. This will tell if the lung cancer is in the brain.

He then has a mask made out of a weave of a spaghetti-like material that hardens into the shape of his head. This is used to mark where the radiation happens each time. He will go 5 days a week for 3 weeks.

This coming weekend will be a gathering of Steve's family for Christmas. We have a great party at our house for our Christmas Eve complete with prime rib and gourmet deserts, and then meet at his parents for our Christmas Day to do a gift exchange.

Friday, December 7, 2012

The proposal

Our first date was at an concert downtown. We then walked to the river and sat on a bench and just talked. Three years later when he proposed he wanted to get back to that same bench with me. Unfortunately, it was freezing that April month and I couldn't figure out why he picked that day to want to walk by the river. I'm practically begging to turn back to the warmth of the car when we reach the bench. He then got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I definitely was surprised. I had been waiting, yes. Every Valentine's Day, every Christmas expecting a ring. Of course I said yes. We walked back to the car and the song that was playing brought tears to my eyes. It was Bruce Springsteen singing When You're Alone. I remember thinking I'd never be alone again.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

A day of rest

Brother Mike is back in Wisconsin, the boat is back at Mom and Dad's and Steven can rest today. I think he is ready for that, but by the weekend he will be restless again.

I am so tired. It doesn't matter how much sleep I get, I want to put my head down. I'm so tempted to go lay in the back seat of my car for lunch. I look like poop with a capital 'S'. I've given up trying to cover up the circles under my eyes. But, God provides.

Recently, it is in the form of volunteers at the church. There should be a special place in heaven (preferably by Mother Teresa) for church volunteers. These women have become indispensable to me. Each day they come in and hug me and do what work I'm not able to get to. They question how I am and share their life struggles. They listen, pray with me or for me and hug me on the way out. My office is quiet until the next volunteer. I feel like God puts thought into who walks in that door because I've managed to make friends with each one and sometimes feel like I've had a therapy session. We get work done around the talking...sometimes. Gosh I hope my boss doesn't read this.

Monday, December 3, 2012

The water is calling

The water called, he went, he fished. I was worried after how he was barely out of bed on Saturday, but he made it fishing. His brother Mike came from Wisconsin and they had a great day.

I think of the weather today, which may break record highs. It is a gift from God. Steve is up already at 5:45 a.m. hoping to beat any rain the day may bring. What are the chances of it hitting 70 degrees on December 3rd? I'll think of him in that boat every time I step out the door today and smile that he has it.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Medical update

The doctor started Steve on a different antibiotic and gave him a prescription for his coughing. Unfortunately this antibiotic bothers his stomach but he said it will be worth it if it works.

I've had a bad couple days. I don't know how to explain myself since I'm all over the place. One minute we are laughing at a joke one of us made and then next I'm crying because someone is slow dancing on t.v. and I probably won't get the chance to do that again. Why do guys stop slow dancing after your done dating and married? Probably for the same reason girls stop doing things they do while dating. OK, don't go there.

Our tree is gorgeous with blues and silvers. The angel has wings that light and fade to different colors. I could sit and watch it forever.

Today is a new day so I'm going to concentrate on getting Steven better.