Friday, May 31, 2013

The H Word

Steve came back today. Not all the way but I see him in there now. He's talking but not much, and even joked a bit. He told me I wasn't to leave him alone yet seemed okay when it was time for me to go home for the night.

His strength or lack of remain a mystery. Or maybe if you take a weak man with a bad disease and take away his oxygen, medicate and put him on a ventilator for 7 days it would be normal to recover slowly.

We are talking about Hospice care. This is scary, but after last week I feel we are one step closer to accepting the end of life. And maybe that was what his contemplation was about. Perhaps he will tell me sometime.

I seem to hold it together pretty good and then I see him struggle to take a pill from the nurse's hand and put it in his mouth and I cry for hours. I want to say, "Do you know how strong this man used to be?" But his strength is not who he was, nor is his weakness now. He is the man that would be there for you when you needed him, and the one who loves me most in the world.


  1. Denice..I knew what the h word was even before I read the post. I understand the emotions you are feeling. My mom reads this every day and she knows exactly where you are. We are thinking of you. Hospice is a wonderful program. They were amazing up in Dubuque when we needed them.

    1. Sorry forgot to, Heather Upton and family

  2. Denice, praying, praying, praying...I cannot seem to pray enough. Hospice what a scary thought. My heart goes out to you. He is the second one that loves you most. God the father, Jesus his son, they love you the most in the world. I am sorry you are going through all this. Do not let you faith be shaken for you will never be alone. I know only a tiny glimmer of what you are going through. Sending you hugs, whispering for tiny miracles and blessing. Jesus please hold them both in your arms and give them rest. Amen

  3. Denise, I am happy to hear that Steve is communicating with you now. Hospice would be good. Will provide a lot of extra help and comfort for you all. God will provide your peace and strength and comfort.
    Praying for you.
    Nancy Hammond