Thursday, June 13, 2013

Anger Issues

I'm becoming easily aggitated. I hate it, but what am I to do? Sometimes anger can motivate us to change things. My hands are tied on watching this cancer eat away at my husband. To put it in a nut shell, his tumors must grow to the point of killing him and all that can be done is to medicate him until that happens. My goodness, that statement makes me want to break things. His back and stomach hurt terribly. This is probably the tumor in his liver growing and pushing against something. So give him morphine and dull the pain but then he is constipated. Give him something for that and it has the opposite effect.

I'm angry at my stupid body giving out when he needs me the most. His feet fall asleep and so they have to be 'woke up' before he can stand. It kills me to squat in front of him and do this. It kills me thinking of doing this. I wish it would kill me. I could be waiting for him in heaven with some one liner about beating him there.

It makes me angry that I can't make this go away with a mouse click like so many others. I know I'm right where I'm suppose to be, I just don't know how long this can go on and yet I can't say I want it to end. Good thing I have a counseling session today!


  1. Lanes,

    I had no idea this was happening to you guys. Please except my prayers for Steve. Anything I can do please let me know. I am out in Phoenix but whatever i can do for you please let me. We have been friends for over 30 years since I was a teenager, even when we haven't spoken you have been on my heart. I love you my friend and I pray for peace (Phil 4:7), strength (1Ch 29:12). I read this, this morning (Eph 4:26-27). According to Eph 4:26 it is ok to be angry. Again I love you my friend.

  2. I wish that I could take your pain away, but all I can do is pray and hold you from afar.
    Hold on to your faith as we all lift you in prayer. God is good and will show you the way.

  3. Denise, I have been exactly where you are now - a different cancer, but still the same. My husband died 11 years ago from a malignant brain tumor. We received the news in much the same way you did. In the one day, our life had become a nightmare. The doctors gave us no hope. They stripped our life away from us in just a few, short minutes.

    We had about 15 months with him after the diagnosis. Almost all of the that, he was incapacitated. Six months was spent in hospice at home. I remember getting up in the morning and walking in to him with a smile on my face and saying something like, hey lazy bones, are you going to sleep all day. I would wonder where did that smile and cheery voice come from when all I wanted to do was die with him. How was I ever going to let him go. I didn't think I could.

    I know that feeling of wanted it all to end but really not wanting it to end. I know the feeling of hope when he would have a good day and I'd think, ok, he's going to get better. All we (me and my two sons) could do was give it to God. Everything we did during those awful months, we did for Pete.

    I am so glad we had those special months to spend with Pete. We had the chance to take care of him and let him know how much we loved him.

    I wish I could help you in some way. Please call me if you want to talk. I can tell you that only with God was I able to get through that terrible, but also wonderful, time.

    Donna Mander-Fiser 309-787-2020 or 309-235-4341