Friday, June 14, 2013

The Question Is Why

I feel like I need to be careful what emotions I show Steve. If I'm tired or exasperated, he may think it is because I'm taking care of him and not me. If I go to counseling, he may think it's because of him, if I get someone to come and stay here with him so I can get away for awhile, what does that say to him? If I talk about it (the cancer), he shuts down. If he is shut down and I stay cheerful regardless, I'm insensitive. Not that he says any of this. He is just in pain and angry. When Steve doesn't feel good he doesn't complain, he shuts down.

I remember BC (before cancer) when a bad day would be a dentist appointment in the morning and I had to grocery shop on the way home. Dear God, I will never complain again about these two things. Or when we would be planning to camp and then find out it is suppose to rain. Please God, let it rain.

Being in this spot for 1 year, when 1 year was the prognosis given, is scary. Now we have stopped seeking medical treatment and have called hospice and it's hard to wrap your mind around what is going to happen in the next few weeks. Will I be the best wife I can be? What is best? Cool and calm because I prayed that morning? Then why am I crying? Why can't he catch a break? I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I see Steven's face as he tries to endure this and I think it is too much. Why can't all this bad stuff he has dealt with be split between several people? Did we have a big red X on the roof of our house that said strike here?

In these hard life areas, I have learned to look for blessings. It may be the wording of a card sent in the mail, or the meal delivered to the door. Life sucks for us right now, but someone is taking our laundry and bringing it back clean. Family and friends have cleaned my house. Several have offering to do my shopping or whatever we needed. So far, no offers to go to the dentist for me.

5 comments:

  1. I will go to the dentist for you, Denice. If you think it will help. Somehow, I don't think it will.
    Still praying,
    Jackie

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    1. You were my only offer. Thanks Jackie

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  2. Continued prayers....Teresa Frey & Family

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  3. I like the dental visits, I'll do it for you my friend. Rarely since I left in 1982 have I wanted to live in the Quad Cities. Now I wish I hadn't moved so I could be there for you right now. As stated before Kari, the kids and I are praying for you. As stated before let me know if I can do anything at all. Again I will go to the dentist anytime for you.

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