My Dearest Steven,
I know you don't read the blog. That used to bother me, but then freed me to put feelings down that I might not have.
I know I don't know what you're going through. I would take your pain upon myself if I could. We have switched roles you and I. I am now the stronger, decision making one. I hold you at night rather than you hold me.
Your courage is to be admired. Your anxiety remains your own. I know you are praying so maybe it is between you and God. I do know your life and declining health have impacted a few to make life changing decisions. While that doesn't make things different for you, there are a few babies in this world who may have their daddies a while longer because they quit smoking.
Steven, you touch so many without even realizing it. Especially me. I wish I knew how to word it all to you. To tell you it's okay to let go...and go. You told me that when you were in ICU, you saw my face and heard me say I wasn't ready to let you go yet, and that you decided then you would live. And you pulled through miraculously. But it has been more pain than anything since you came home and I feel bad for that.
As much as I will...fall apart when you go, I think I'm to the point where I'd rather have you in heaven than in pain anymore. There, I wrote it. Maybe I need to say it.