Monday, July 8, 2013

My Dearest Steven

My Dearest Steven,

I know you don't read the blog. That used to bother me, but then freed me to put feelings down that I might not have.

I know I don't know what you're going through. I would take your pain upon myself if I could. We have switched roles you and I. I am now the stronger, decision making one. I hold you at night rather than you hold me.

Your courage is to be admired. Your anxiety remains your own. I know you are praying so maybe it is between you and God. I do know your life and declining health have impacted a few to make life changing decisions. While that doesn't make things different for you, there are a few babies in this world who may have their daddies a while longer because they quit smoking.

Steven, you touch so many without even realizing it. Especially me. I wish I knew how to word it all to you. To tell you it's okay to let go...and go. You told me that when you were in ICU, you saw my face and heard me say I wasn't ready to let you go yet, and that you decided then you would live. And you pulled through miraculously. But it has been more pain than anything since you came home and I feel bad for that.

As much as I will...fall apart when you go, I think I'm to the point where I'd rather have you in heaven than in pain anymore. There, I wrote it. Maybe I need to say it.

9 comments:

  1. God bless you
    Nancy

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    1. Thank you Nancy. I always know you are there even though you are so far away.
      Denice

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  2. That had to be the most difficult thing for you to write...I am praying for you my friend. May God hug you a little tighter, what you have said is a sacrifice in of itself. To love someone enough to think of them above yourself. That is the most difficult. This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. and we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. Dear Children let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in his truth. 1 John 3:16 & 18. This is exactly what you are doing Denice, Loving with actions, by not wanting Steven to suffer anymore and saying that out loud. I love you much and am praying for your peace and Stevens.

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  3. You put down your thoughts so eloquently. It as therapeutic process to write down what you are feeling. Please read it to your husband...I think it would be very comforting to him. Thinking of you both .

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    1. Thanks Julie for your kind words. They mean a lot.

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  4. Yes, you do need to say it. You will know when the time is right. That time it's near. I wish I could kiss it and make it better for you. I will pray instead. God bless you both.

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  5. Yes, you've reached that point and now you've said it...when you want them to rest in Jesus' arm and not hurt anymore. You both are in my thoughts and prayers! Wish I could take the hurt away! Love ya!

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  6. Oh Denise, Although, I cannot fully understand what you & Steven are going through, I want you to know that I have been praying for you. I cannot imagine what pain, both physical & emotional you & Steven must be feeling. You, both have been through so much in the last year. I want you to know that both of you are loved by us, your friends, & family & by God. We plant seeds in the ground, they die & from that death, new life comes or plantings. Unless God intervenes, Steven will soon have new life with God in Heaven, but you also will have new life, as part of you will die with Steven. Oh God, be with my friends, & bring healing to them & comfort & peace as only You can give. They hurt so bad & we are not able to take away that hurt. Only You can. Show Yourself to them, we ask in Jesus's name. Amen.

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  7. I feel your pain and im so sorry. I know that it is harder to feel that way then to speak those words. When my mom was in the hospital and she was getting better they moved her up to rehabilitation and that day I was going back to work after taking off 2 weeks to be there for my mom. Didn't make it to work that day. As soon as I left that hospital I had just made it home my brother called me and told me to call into work and come straight back. I new it was bad. By the time I got back up to the hospital my mom was already on life support. It was her wish to not ever be on such a thing if it was her time it was her time. They took her off life support and made room for me to lay by her in that tiny hospital bed and I layed there for 5 hours until she passed by that time I was just praying god to take her I couldn't see her in pain fighting to breathe anymore and it broke my heart to have that feeling. But I understand why we felt the way we did or do.... we dont want to see the ones we love suffer it is the worst thing in the whole world. I look forward to the day I get to see her again, in heaven. I love you so much and I am so sorry you have to go through this

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