Monday, September 30, 2013
If you are not turning toward God, you are turning away from him. I choose life. Life toward a God that knows me better than I know myself. I will not be destroyed with this heart crushing sorrow and disappointment. I want a life that is open to new joys as well as additional sorrows. I'd just like to request it be a while before the other shoe drops.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Being self controlled and alert means I need to stay in charge of my emotions and decisions. But circumstances have me at a disadvantage right now. How blessed I am to know where my strength comes from. And I also know how this whole story ends.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
In every home things happen that no one claims blame for. Unfortunately for me, I can't point a finger anymore. All this time it was I missing the garbage can. I thought my aim was straight on. And then there is the sink after brushing my teeth. Could it be that someone comes after me and brushes? Who leaves windows open with the heat on? Who doesn't empty the drain in the sink, or close the garage door?
A quote by Bob Moawad: "The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins."
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
I remember as a teen, I could hardly wait to get out from under my parents rule. Little did I realize what the big bad world had in store for me. Life as an adult.
The reality of what I'm dealing with now is overwhelming at times. There are lawyers and probate, accountant's and taxes, medical and funeral bills and decisions to make. Every facet of my life seems askew. Emotions, my physical health, my faith walk, my relationships, all feel somewhat broken. I'm broke and the only thing that will fix me is...time.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Can I have faith enough to not ask God to take away the suffering, but trust Him to sustain me through it? None of us want hard things. A flat tire on the side of the road can be a learning experience on tire changing but no one would choose it.
When we are in pain we become vunerable to the enemy's tempting. What does that look like for me? To be honest, it would involve envy of others who are in a loving relationship. Also the deep desire to lay down and sleep and not get out of bed. Probably the worse for me is to be angry at smokers. How dare they continue doing this and then put someone in the position of caregiver to watch them waste away to nothing. I think when I say things out loud (or write for the world to see) it brings to light what I'd like to deny and keep in the dark. Step one.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
I have always felt that despite adversity, I've done pretty good at keeping sane. It's only recently as I go through this mourning process that I have begun to doubt my sanity.
How a person can be fine one minute, and burst into full fledge tears the next, is new to me. But it happens everyday. I have triggers that will put me over the edge, scenes in my head of Steve in his sickness that are unbearable even today. One of many is the day we passed the mirror in the hallway on the way to the bedroom. He was using his walker and stopped. I saw so much emotion in his face as he assessed his reflection and realized what this cancer had done to his body.
He has a new body today. He is strong and healthy inside and out. He had comfort and joy.
I have insanity.
Faith in God came easy to me. I wanted to believe there was a plan and purpose for me. Gosh, it seemed so big. And what a relief to know there was someone else behind it all.
Then came love. When I felt and accepted the unconditional love of God, everything else fell into place. That God loved me was amazing, but I needed it really bad. So I clung on and never let go. Even today. I had a friend ask me if I was mad at God, and I said no, I'm just glad he was there to pick me up.
Monday, September 16, 2013
It's not just missing Steve and the ora of his energy, it's the absence of anyone. There are several minutes in each day that I used to have someone by my side and now I don't. At a time when major decisions need to be made, I need to think hard, then cry because I have to do this and I'm a baby at heart. Then I make a decision and if it turns out to be wrong it will be me to blame and I can cry about that. I hate my weaknesses.
I wonder if someday in the future when I've grown into the new me, I will look back at this silly woman and shake my head at her. This Denice of today who aches and cries. She thinks if she doesn't know something it is out of stupidity. Who needs to learn that with knowledge comes confidence.
My head hurts from thinking about this. I think I need a nap.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
He had no idea how much I appreciated that. Now I don't stop. Another thing I will need to learn.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
How do you shake that? I started praying and ask God to remind me that, it was a stinking dream and He is the only one whose opinion really matters.
I'd like to say that was it and I went about my day with my chin up, but I didn't, so I won't.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
I've have this bad day happening Baby, and I can't stop crying. I'm on the floor, and you're not here to talk to or hold me. You're not on the floor with me. And don't even try to tell me I'm overreacting.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Lord, don't let my experience of anguish be wasted in my life. Use it. Use me, to help others who feel their soul has been pierced beyond repair.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Then, I was Steve's caregiver. This role was a year that started off slow and gathered speed. The last few months I would not know how to describe. Maybe as overwhelming. When Steven died, the framework of our plans and dreams collapsed.
As I note each era of my life, I know I'm entering one very different, simply because I'm a single entity. No one is relying on me, like when the kids were young or Steve was sick. With the singleness come choices I've never had. I can change anything, from the color of the walls to the country I live in. I frankly don't remember a time like this.
It's confusing to have this much freedom. To go from being taken care of, to taking care of someone else, to being responsible for only me.
It's important for me to not forget where I came from. My past has woven me into this woman. With age comes wisdom. Wisdom to examine my faith, morals and integrity. I know Steven made a difference in my life and it is a legacy I'll carry with me forever.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Now as we enter fall I find nothing to dread. There is no inevitable with the one I love. And as sad as that part is, I can find hope in a new season, a new beginning.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Today would mark our 20th Anniversary. That's a big deal. I loved it that we were married Labor Day weekend. It gives us three or four days of celebration, instead of just one.
What would we have done? Camped? Or maybe have a dinner somewhere? We weren't much for eating out. Maybe some steaks on the grill. Cheering each other several times saying, 'Oh, did we cheer?'
I miss you everyday Steven, but today I will think of you all day and wish you were here for 'our' big deal. And, I'll accept your gift of the beautiful diamond necklace hidden away in your closet. I'll think you were saving it just for today. And I'll hear your voice say, "Happy Anniversary Baby...nothing but the necklace."
Sunday, September 1, 2013
I was adding my info into Steve's iPad and when I added my notes they duplicated so there was 2 of every note. So I went through and deleted one of each. The next day when I opened the iPad, my notes appeared and then disappeared. I almost cried. I got my phone and they were gone from there too. I hadn't backed anything up. But, even weirder was that Steve's notes were there. I hadn't seen them before. And low and behold, there was a draft of a letter he wanted to write me. It was precious. Especially since he didn't always say how he felt. It also told the 3 prayers he said every day. I still cry every time I think of this. And as Mary in the Bible did, I will treasure up all these things and ponder them in my heart.