Wednesday, September 18, 2013

I Have Insanity

I have always felt that despite adversity, I've done pretty good at keeping sane. It's only recently as I go through this mourning process that I have begun to doubt my sanity.

How a person can be fine one minute, and burst into full fledge tears the next, is new to me. But it happens everyday. I have triggers that will put me over the edge, scenes in my head of Steve in his sickness that are unbearable even today. One of many is the day we passed the mirror in the hallway on the way to the bedroom. He was using his walker and stopped. I saw so much emotion in his face as he assessed his reflection and realized what this cancer had done to his body.

He has a new body today. He is strong and healthy inside and out. He had comfort and joy.

I have insanity.

 

2 comments:

  1. But you have him watching over you...caring for you in a way that even in his physical body, he couldn't do. He is loving you. That gleam of hope - that's him smiling on you. He's proud of you for rising up to be the strong, determined (and stubborn) woman he knew you to be - the thing you thought you lost in the midst of his sickness. He's guiding you as you shift gears in his car. His arms are wrapped around you as you sob, as you get angry, as you mourn. He's here loving you through it. Just as God is. <3

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  2. Well said Amanda! I ditto that. And the emotions will become less and less over time. Everyone mourns at a different level. May God show you the strength you have through him. Love you!

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