Thursday, October 31, 2013

You Won The Bet

We had a bet every fall. Who would cave in and turn on the heat first. I usually won. He was not good at being cold. I could curl up in an afghan or a heated throw. I would put a scarf around my neck or heat a rice bag. None of these were manly enough for Steve. But, since he always won the rain storm bets, it was only fair I won these. One year he tried sneaking to turn on the heat. Like I wouldn't notice. Well Steven, you broke my running record. You finally won.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Where's My Dinner?

I'm angry at Steve. It started with how this 'alone' thing has limited me on what I can do physically and how I am forced to ask for help. Then it went on to old things I was mad at him about. How he wouldn't clean out the sink when he finished shaving. Now I'm mad at him because the sink is too clean. If there was one thing Steve did well, it was take care of me. The car, the house, the stinking leaves, the soon to be snow. There is no one to listen to me complain when I come home. I was really good at that. And there is no dinner. Where's My Dinner?

Can I get a 'do over'? How about a 'rewind'? What about a mulligan? I'm still on the first tee, right?

Sunday, October 27, 2013

A Dark Place


Just because life is hard right now doesn't mean God isn't doing what's in my best interest. I don't know when the time will come when I can just be as happy I was all those years with Steven.

I'm in a dark place where nothing seems to make me happy. I try being with people and being alone, spending money, eating treats until I feel sick, staying in bed, trying a new hobby, crying out to God, drinking beer, exercise, (not at the same time, I haven't tried that) singing, medication and on and on. None of it pulls me out for longer than a minute.

Time is a funny thing. I know that is all it will take. Day after day after day. I heard a quote about how waiting is not so much about when I get what I waiting for, but what I will become as I wait. Reading this post, it sounds like I've become a bit negative. Time.

Jesus said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12


Saturday, October 26, 2013

A Hurt This Bad Can't Be Good

Grief is a real ache. I know God knows what he's doing, but something that hurts this much can't be good. It's not like having a baby where the pain becomes a blur as you hold your newborn.

What if I go crazy? Maybe I am crazy and I don't know it. Would anyone tell me?

As I tended to Steven during that year I knew I had purpose. It was really hard and there were times...well, I won't go into how low life got. But, I knew without a doubt I was were I was supposed to be. I loved him more than anyone, except maybe God. I didn't think twice to give up all my comforts if it meant his day could be better. I knew I was running out of time with him and each little thing counted so much.

But now, I don't know anything, except I hurt. My time with him is gone and I just want more. I want a hug, a touch.

No purpose, no Steven, real pain = life sucks.

Friday, October 25, 2013

End of Life Stories

I took a call today from a man who said he wouldn't be around at the end of the year. We hung up and I thought, surely he means he's going on a vacation. Maybe south where it is warm. Oddly, he called back with another question, and I had to ask him...did you mean you were going away? He said no, he was in Hospice. I started crying and held the phone away from my face so he wouldn't hear, as he went on to explain. I felt such compassion and shared a small portion of my story.

I believe nothing is coincidence. God orchestrates each meeting.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Lack of a Timeline

As I listened to a friend talk about her brother's illness and then his passing, I was impressed with how much she remembered years later. She knew what month this happened and then that and finally, the end.

I thought back over the last year of Steven's terminal cancer and felt I didn't know enough of the months and dates. Gosh, it's only been 3 months. How could I have forgotten? Does this mean I don't care or maybe my brain is mush?

So I got the calendar and the folder labeled Steven Medical and started a timeline. But, then it became too much and I had to stop. It all ends the same way no matter what month he had chemo, radiation or contracted pneumonia. It all ends the same way.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

The Toolbox

I feel I've been moving along in life at about the pace I should be. But yesterday, something cracked in me.

It happened when I went to clean out Steve's toolbox from the shop. It will be one of the things I will be putting in an auction. As I opened each drawer, I could sense him there, standing right where I was, getting the next thing he needed to finish a job. I started crying and honestly have not been able to stop.

This was who he was more than anything, anywhere else. He knew what each drawer contained. The tools were laid out or messy, just the way he wanted them. I took out each tool and cleaned each drawer and thought how sad it all was. Steve loved what he did. This skill of repairing and matching paint was one he prided himself on. It had to be perfect or he wasn't happy. It's what kept customers coming back.

It will be hard to see this huge toolbox go belong to someone else.


I Need to Think Before I Think

I'm thinking how jealous I am that Steve is enjoying heaven and I'm stuck here not enjoying life without him.

Then a thought hits me that immediately makes me ill. What if he hadn't proclaimed his faith and acknowledged his belief in Jesus? What thoughts would I be having then?


Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Steven, It's Not The Same

Steven, all the things I did that irritated you, both real and funny make me smile. But the smile is a sad one. When my yawn turns into a melody, no one says, "Really?" I'm thinking maybe I might start yawning normal.

Every time I eat oatmeal with raisins, you are not here to offer it to, even though I know you hated it.

No one blesses me even when I sneeze really loud. And when I holler up from the basement, "Why am I down here?", no one reminds me.

I hear no loud sigh as I unload the dishwasher a little too loudly. And when I unpack groceries and throw the plastic bags over my head, no one asks me if I must do that.

I had BLTs and named the letter (drawing it out for full effect) for each thing I put on my sandwich, but it wasn't the same as when you would growl in frustration.

There is no argument over whether to rinse the pasta. And I can't complain about the way you would fast forward on the DVR, going 1/2 way into the show. Now I fast forward and go 1/2 way into the show.

I bought a new plant and did not have to sneak it into the house. I moved furniture around and you aren't here to complain. Your dad had my oil changed and now I'll have to keep track of my mileage, because he will probably really get mad.

My overreaction to one mosquito bite is no longer fun.

I don't have to sneak cracking open a bedroom window when I go to bed. I have smelly candles all over the house and light them all at the same time.

I finally got to move the big orange container of Goop from under the sink. There is no one to hand me a tissue when I cry at something on TV. No one makes me stop and sit when I work too hard, or threatens me with, "If I hear one word about your back tomorrow..."

I still lift my mug of beer and say cheers. I like to think you are doing the same with a really good import.



Monday, October 14, 2013

Conversation With God

Me- You could have healed him.

God- I did heal him.

Me- But you took him from me.

God- He was never yours, but mine.

Me- I miss him so much I ache with real pain.

God- You will see him again. Be weak in your pain, that others may step along side you and represent me.

Me- Why did you even bring him into my life, just to take him away?

God- I brought him to you to lead him to me.

Me- Oh

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Positive Thinking

God is so good. I felt I needed to start that way and give him credit for anything positive I may say. I'm kinda stuck on the positive part though.

Positive: I wake up every day...but my body aches.
I have some time off this week and a holiday coming up...but I have so much to do.
I have happy moments now...but I'm still crying every day.

I know God and that is enough for me to live on.

Yesterday, as I was going down a grocery isle, I saw syrup. My mind immediately went to waffles. Oh, yum, but it's dinner I need to buy for. Then I thought, I could go to a Village Inn or I Hop and get waffles right now for dinner if I wanted. The whole vision made me so happy I proceeded with my dinner shopping. I bought fried chicken...much healthier than waffles! Ha.

Saturday, October 5, 2013


One of the topics discussed after someone passes away is whether they visit in dreams or visions. Whether you can feel their presence or hear their words in your head.

When I thought of the possibility of Steven visiting me, I immediately welled up. I still see him as...he was at the end. They say it takes time to get from how you last saw them to the happy healthy years. Especially if they were unhealthy for a while. I couldn't handle hearing the click of the walker, the hover-round chair or his coughing. I'm okay to wait. Gives me something to look forward to.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

This Old House

One thing that has helped me, since Steven passed away,  is to work on the house. I'm trying to be careful with spending, so most of it is painting and cleaning. Then, there is the matter of asking for help with the things I have no business doing. Asking is hard for me. I figure everyone has to be short on time so why add assisting me into the equation.

Now as I go into each room, I am bombarded with ideas of making things different. Pintrest is an endless source of projects to do yourself. I love that I have contacts to ask questions of. And of course there is always Google.

Recently, I and some friends and family tore up the carpet in the dining room/front room and were able to clean the oak floors beneath. What a difference that has made. It is also back breaking to be on ones knees for long periods of time. But being exhaused makes for a good night's sleep.