Saturday, November 30, 2013

Running With The Right Fuel

I love C.S. Lewis's analogy that just as a car is made to run on gas, we are made to run on God. Nothing else will work for the car and nothing else will work for us. God is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn and the food our spirits were designed to feed on.

Those who are indifferent to God or actually reject Him, live only for this present world and it's rewards. The satisfaction is temporary and true joy is just out of reach. There is a pleasure and success mentality of our age that resists all pain, discomfort and delay.

Paul says in Romans 11:33-34, Frankly, I stand amazed at the unfathomable complexity of God's wisdom and God's knowledge. How can man ever understand His reasons for action, or explain His methods of working?

For me, my love is so deep for God, I don't question Him with why. I do it with blind faith. I have everything I need for today, to run on God.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Thankful Today and Everyday

I am so thankful for my family. We laugh, we tease and give great hugs. I'm thankful for the new friends I made today. The album I put together with treasures from my grandmother's trunk was a big hit. Parker, now 2, was Mr. Ontherun. I had plenty of help and everyone brought wonderful dishes to share. Best of all...lots of desserts left. Where most people would be fixing a turkey sandwich right now, I'm getting another plate of yummy sweets.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

The Quietness When Everyone Leaves

I went to a seminar through Grief Share on Getting Through The Holidays. I realized we all grieve differently. Some will choose to bow out of an upcoming holiday and some will experience it with new traditions. We learned how it's okay to cry in front of family and friends. Otherwise you give the false illusion that you are doing okay, which most of us there are not. So I'm going to experience the sadness when I feel like it, which will be the night before when we would have worked together getting as much done as we could, and the next day when I try to time all the food to come out hot at the same time, then when I carve the turkey when I have trouble with a chicken. And then finally when everyone is gone, and things are all cleaned up and put away, we would sit, and sigh and say, "Well, that was fun."

Sunday, November 24, 2013

A New Prayer

This grief I experience is hard to explain. I miss Steven so much. It's not just when I don't have enough muscle, or am cold in bed or come home to an empty house. It's the way every other thought jumps to him and the fact that he has died.

I read in my devotion today about the importance of praise in all situations. How praise can make whatever is bad seem less so. The author ended with this prayer which I will make my own, "Father, I don't want You to remove this problem until You've done all You want to do through it, in me and in others."

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Being Sick

I was sick so seldom, it earned me attention from Steve when I was. He would tiptoe around and get me whatever I needed.

Now, my first sickness without him and it's not the same. Why moan, cry or complain if you yourself are the only one to hear it? I have to get my own fresh water and keep track of what fever reducer I took last. I had to dig out my insulated underwear and crank the heat up.

I thought too, how if this sickness had happened when Steve was here, I would not have been able to come home for fear he might catch what I had. It makes me both sad and relieved.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

The 20th

As the 20th of each month approaches, I am reminded of how long it has been since Steven passed away. November will be the 4th month.

It seems like everything has changed since July 20th. The house looks different, the season has changed and of course I am a different person.

What if on the 20th, I didn't think of his last day of life? Or, how overwhelming my feelings sometimes get? What if I didn't spend each monthly anniversary quiet and retrospective? What if...I celebrate that day each month, as a marker for how long Steven has been in heaven? Total, all consuming joy is something we will not experience this side of heaven, but Steven has this. He has had this for 4 months. Hallelujah.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

The Song of Wind

The wind is very loud this time of year. It's all the dry leaves adding their voice to the mix. When you are surrounded by 100 year old oaks, you can't help but think that one may fall. You can only hope it misses your house.

When Steven was alive, I would comfort myself with the thought that, at least we would go together if it happened at night. I really never considered it would happen any other time, only at night as we lay spooned together.

Now I listen and still enjoy the sound. Then I visualize how deep and strong the roots must be on an oak that old.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

All Dogs Go To Heaven

Everyone has their own idea of what heaven will be like when we take our last breath here and our next breath there. I envisioned my grandma and my dad, and of course all the dogs I owned would come running happily to greet me.

But now my idea of what will await me has changed. Oh, the dogs will definetely be racing to reach me first, but there will be another whose arms will be out to hug me. Steven always did look good in white.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Knowing God

I saw a couple quotes that spoke to me;

To be little with God is to be little for God. E.M. Bounds

A man who would know God must give time to him. A.W. Tozer

We have different levels of friends. To the coworker we say, I'm fine. To the family member we say, I had a bad weekend. To the close friend we say, I fell off the wagon. Each level is determined mostly by time invested enough to let your guard down and be honest. Nothing can make you closer to someone than opening the door to who you really are. The same is true with God. The more you talk, the more you devote, the closer the relationship.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

My New Purpose

I have a purpose. It is to heal. It is to become whole and healthy. What my purpose is beyond that, I won't worry about today. I'll not push my grief aside, it's real and still raw, but I won't wallow in it either. I'm going to try and visualize Steven healthy, happy and crabby, as only he could be.

I want to spend more time in devotion to God and receive His strength, because mine is short lived and crashes like a sugar high.

I need to be more aware of my weaknesses and be less stringent about irrelevant things. So, more bubble baths, and naps. I'll keep working out because it makes me less guilty when I eat my beloved sweets. I'll cry when I feel like it, but not continue all day. I'll stay home if I'm falling apart and nurse my breaking heart, but not often.

I think I need to look forward to some things. Maybe an art project or a good book. I, who never was without a book since I learned to read, have not read a complete book in over a year.

I can be getting ready for the upcoming holidays. Thanksgiving will be here as normal, minus one very important head of household. I'll make a Christmas gift list and maybe put some lights on the house. Okay, this is starting to make me anxious. Back to the beginning of the post...


Friday, November 8, 2013

100 Days Of Separation

I have a friend who said she hadn't seen her husband in 'almost 100 days'. He enlisted and today she will finally see him for a short visit.

My 100 and something days of separation are different. There will be no visit. Maybe Steve will come in a dream. I sit here and look out this window to the glorious trees outside. It's not as nice as the view he has, but I need to end a sad thought with a happy one. Boy, it sure would be nice if all those leaves stayed on the trees.



Sunday, November 3, 2013

The Games We Play

I used to play this game when my grandma would take me shopping. If I touched an object, I would eventually get it. This was tricky because Gram was big on me not touching anything.

I wear Steve's wedding ring on my right hand. My game is now to touch the ring every time I need him.

Jesus Wept

My devotion today was about how Jesus went to the tomb where his friend Lazarus lay dead. It says Jesus wept. He knew he was going to raise him so it wasn't that Lazarus was dead that moved him to tears. It was Mary and Martha mourning for their brother that affected him. This gives me comfort. I like that I'm not crying alone.