Saturday, November 30, 2013
Those who are indifferent to God or actually reject Him, live only for this present world and it's rewards. The satisfaction is temporary and true joy is just out of reach. There is a pleasure and success mentality of our age that resists all pain, discomfort and delay.
Paul says in Romans 11:33-34, Frankly, I stand amazed at the unfathomable complexity of God's wisdom and God's knowledge. How can man ever understand His reasons for action, or explain His methods of working?
For me, my love is so deep for God, I don't question Him with why. I do it with blind faith. I have everything I need for today, to run on God.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
I read in my devotion today about the importance of praise in all situations. How praise can make whatever is bad seem less so. The author ended with this prayer which I will make my own, "Father, I don't want You to remove this problem until You've done all You want to do through it, in me and in others."
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Now, my first sickness without him and it's not the same. Why moan, cry or complain if you yourself are the only one to hear it? I have to get my own fresh water and keep track of what fever reducer I took last. I had to dig out my insulated underwear and crank the heat up.
I thought too, how if this sickness had happened when Steve was here, I would not have been able to come home for fear he might catch what I had. It makes me both sad and relieved.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
It seems like everything has changed since July 20th. The house looks different, the season has changed and of course I am a different person.
What if on the 20th, I didn't think of his last day of life? Or, how overwhelming my feelings sometimes get? What if I didn't spend each monthly anniversary quiet and retrospective? What if...I celebrate that day each month, as a marker for how long Steven has been in heaven? Total, all consuming joy is something we will not experience this side of heaven, but Steven has this. He has had this for 4 months. Hallelujah.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
When Steven was alive, I would comfort myself with the thought that, at least we would go together if it happened at night. I really never considered it would happen any other time, only at night as we lay spooned together.
Now I listen and still enjoy the sound. Then I visualize how deep and strong the roots must be on an oak that old.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Everyone has their own idea of what heaven will be like when we take our last breath here and our next breath there. I envisioned my grandma and my dad, and of course all the dogs I owned would come running happily to greet me.
But now my idea of what will await me has changed. Oh, the dogs will definetely be racing to reach me first, but there will be another whose arms will be out to hug me. Steven always did look good in white.
Monday, November 11, 2013
To be little with God is to be little for God. E.M. Bounds
A man who would know God must give time to him. A.W. Tozer
We have different levels of friends. To the coworker we say, I'm fine. To the family member we say, I had a bad weekend. To the close friend we say, I fell off the wagon. Each level is determined mostly by time invested enough to let your guard down and be honest. Nothing can make you closer to someone than opening the door to who you really are. The same is true with God. The more you talk, the more you devote, the closer the relationship.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
I have a purpose. It is to heal. It is to become whole and healthy. What my purpose is beyond that, I won't worry about today. I'll not push my grief aside, it's real and still raw, but I won't wallow in it either. I'm going to try and visualize Steven healthy, happy and crabby, as only he could be.
I want to spend more time in devotion to God and receive His strength, because mine is short lived and crashes like a sugar high.
I need to be more aware of my weaknesses and be less stringent about irrelevant things. So, more bubble baths, and naps. I'll keep working out because it makes me less guilty when I eat my beloved sweets. I'll cry when I feel like it, but not continue all day. I'll stay home if I'm falling apart and nurse my breaking heart, but not often.
I think I need to look forward to some things. Maybe an art project or a good book. I, who never was without a book since I learned to read, have not read a complete book in over a year.
I can be getting ready for the upcoming holidays. Thanksgiving will be here as normal, minus one very important head of household. I'll make a Christmas gift list and maybe put some lights on the house. Okay, this is starting to make me anxious. Back to the beginning of the post...
Friday, November 8, 2013
I have a friend who said she hadn't seen her husband in 'almost 100 days'. He enlisted and today she will finally see him for a short visit.
My 100 and something days of separation are different. There will be no visit. Maybe Steve will come in a dream. I sit here and look out this window to the glorious trees outside. It's not as nice as the view he has, but I need to end a sad thought with a happy one. Boy, it sure would be nice if all those leaves stayed on the trees.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
I wear Steve's wedding ring on my right hand. My game is now to touch the ring every time I need him.