Friday, January 31, 2014
Well, there are the parts in the old testament where God asks questions He already knows the answers to. Like when Adam and Eve are naked and hide behind some trees, God calls out, "Where are you?" and "Who told you you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree I commanded you not to eat from?"
Of course he knew all the answers. And then when he questions Cain after Cain has killed his brother Abel. "Where is your brother Abel?" I'm pretty sure he knew.
But, I have to admit, I did the same thing as a mom to young boys. "Did you make this mess? What were you thinking? What did you do to your brother?" Luckily, by the grace of God, neither one has done in his brother yet.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
I became upset moments after entering the funeral home. Not so much for Millie, but the grieving I felt, rather than saw. And it all came back to me. The family eating between visits, the picture board and reminiscing, the flowers and the groups of people speaking softly. I needed to get a grip, so turned to look at a painting on the wall. I reminded myself to think of this as a celebration of a life well spent.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Thursday, January 23, 2014
When I left for work that morning he was doing so poorly. The headaches he was having were from brain swelling caused by the radiation. I told him to please, please call me later and let me know he was okay. Now I look back and wonder why the heck I didn't stay home with him.
So his voicemail says, "Hi Neece. Just calling to let you know I'm feeling a little bit better. I'll see you later. Bye bye." When I listen now I could very well think he left it today. Except his voice would sound stronger. He is better now, and I will see him later.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Check out “The Story - Freedom” by Heritage Church on Vimeo.
The video is available for your viewing pleasure at http://vimeo.com/83049216
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Today is God's Plan A. Nothing can stop His Plan A from happening. Not Satan, or sickness or a spouse can stop this sovereign plan. God carries out his purpose without any regrets or mistakes. His plans are never thwarted.
This makes me ask myself why I pray, if it's all decided anyway and nothing can change. I pray because I'm told to. And I know for me, I relate on a more personal level if I'm talking to God. Perhaps the praying is more for me than for him.
Sometimes things don't go the way I'd like them to. My husband wasn't miraculously healed from cancer. His death was slow and painful. And for those of us who were here and witnessed it, our lives were changed. But in my surrender from long ago, I realized that there is nothing I have that is not from God. Today is God's divine Plan A. Not Plan B. I don't have to see it to believe it.
The LORD Almighty has sworn this oath: "It will all happen as I have planned. It will come about according to my purposes. I have a plan for the whole earth, for my mighty power reaches throughout the world. The Lord Almighty has spoken - who can change his plans? When his hand moves, who can stop him?" Isaiah 14:24, 26-27
Sunday, January 12, 2014
I have a nasty habit of rehashing stupid things I've said. Some of them are from years ago. There's the time I didn't know the answer to a really easy question in Trivial Pursuit. The way I mispronounce words and get laughed at, the things I've said that hurt people, and questions I've asked whose answer was obvious I wasn't listening.
I think of how Satan whispers in my ear that I'm not worthy because of my failings. Satan doesn't care if I'm rich or poor, happy or sad. His mission is to keep me from growing closer to God. Hence where the 'not worthy' comes in to play.
I've decided to do what I do when I don't want to hear what someone is saying. When Satan begins his lies, I'll sing La La La La La. If I'm standing taller, I'll know it worked.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
He is not here to fix, replace, renew or keep me safe. He's not here with all that strength. I have this power now, but not the natural ability to make decisions. So I'll feel good when I chose correctly and learn when I make a mistake. Sometimes, the best thing to know, is who to ask to assist you in a decision.
One thing I can't do, is sit here all vulnerable and do nothing. I need to be smart as I move into this new life alone.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
I have never had so much time to do what I want. Nor have I had this many chores to do. I didnt realize how much Steve helped with the everyday things, until he was gone.
I like winter. Something about being stuck in a warm house with the perfect excuse to not go anywhere is appealing. I can't fix a fancy dinner (like I would!) because the weather is too bad to go to the store. I can't start that project because it's too cold in the garage. Well, I might as well read a good book and take a nap. Life is good...sometimes.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
After someone dies, it's easy to talk yourself into believing anything because they are not there to correct you. So, I reflect on all the gifts I put so much thought into and how he never once gushed over even one of them. And he probably never really loved me because he never told me why.
Then I find a note that I never saw before. What is up with that? God is so good. God gives me what I need, when I need it and not a minute before. It's like finding the note from Steven on the iPad after I accidentally deleted all my notes.
The words are: I love you with every fiber of my being and every ounce of heart, self and soul.
I hold on to the words, even though the man who spoke them is gone.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
We started with brain radiation in January which turned out to be a regret. His side effects from this were worse than with the chemo. Then he contracted pneumonia and had such low oxygen levels they admitted him to ICU. There he was on a ventilator for a week and lost any strength he had. We came home with no more hope of the miracle we prayed for. Hospice helped the last two months of Steve's life but he refused the medication and spent a lot of time in pain as the cancer grew enough to shut down his organs.
I'm without him now and will begin a new year trying to be optimistic while still missing my husband. I struggle to see him in my mind as strong and happy, but still see him weak and angry. At this point I even miss the weak and angry.