Sunday, March 30, 2014

21 Day Fast

I don't remember trying to fast for a three week period in the past, so this time is different. I've chosen to fast from sweets. This is big. Really big for me. I love sweets. I would start naming my favorites from number one on down but that would only make me want them more. So I try not to think about them but they call to me when I open the freezer and the cupboard. I think I may have to toss out some really good stuff. And there is no more throwing good stuff out in the yard for the birds since I keep seeing racoons out there.

What I noticed this fast, was my boldness in coming to God. Inside my head I'm thinking how I'm really depriving myself for the sake of obedience and by golly, I should probably get what I want. Now, what is ironic about this is that I'm to come boldly to God in just this way anytime, not just during a fast. If I'm in line with what He wants the 'by golly' should be there in any bold request.

And since God didn't answer my prayer repeated several times to cure Steven, I should have a warehouse of favors just waiting to be asked for. I know it doesn't work this way, but I'm only human and forget God doesn't play by the same rules.

So the fasting seems to be for me too. It makes my thoughts process thru a filter of wants but can't haves. And to think, I'm only through day one.

What Happened To Just Cleaning The House?

I love having this home. But, I liked it more when I just had to keep it clean and well stocked. Literally, that was all I had to do. But now, there are decisions about everything and I have to weigh out cost vs need. Do I trust the source, or should I get another opinion? Is this something that needs attention in the next couple months or it can wait?

From basement walls that have cracks to gutters that spill over, from an attic that needs more insulation to a furnace that needs cleaned. Then there are the vehicles, tractors, and the yard itself which has a steep ravine in back. There is a drip under the sink and some insulation around the sliding glass door to replace. I know the wiring is old and there is an additional water shut off that is almost impossible to budge open or closed. There are receding sidewalks and the deck is moving away from the house. The garage needs organizing but I'm not sure what anything is. I bought a stud finder to hang some things on the walls of the garage but I'm not sure where to put things. There are a couple oak trees that need to go but I can wait on those, unless a strong wind blew one down and it crashes into the house that I've taken all this time to keep up on. Maybe I should tackle the trees first. A couple bushes and vines are dead, and there is a rhododendron that is almost as tall as the house that needs pruning. Steve will have a cow in heaven if I touch it but it's an eye sore 50 weeks out of the year when not in bloom. Maybe God can have him at harp practice that day. Oh gosh, that tickled me. Steven playing the harp!

Friday, March 28, 2014

Times Are A-Changing

I have good days and bad days, like everyone I guess. But, inside is an empty spot that sometimes seems bigger than I am. I'm hit with the absence of Steven at odd times. This house holds over 20 years of laughter, arguing, making love, being sick and being healthy. There were times we had money and did things, and times we didn't and had fun at home.

This reminds me of wedding vows, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to have and to hold, from this day forward until death do we part. Well, we certainly did that.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

More Or Less

Our kids mean everything to us. This doesn't get any easier as they grow into adulthood. We as parents just have less influence. In fact, I think there is more to be concerned about. There are the people they share their lives with and the next generation of children they have to add to our list of concerns.

While I'm glad I can 'give' all this concern to God and know that whatever happens is being orcherstrated, I wish I knew that they were praying too. This is where I stand in the gap for them. We can only do so much. I'm thankful I raised two wonderful sons and gave them good roots that are always there to draw from.


Saturday, March 15, 2014

Time To What?

I had a friend who also lost his spouse after an a long period of care-giving. He said that it is now time to think about himself and what can make him happy.

I'm in this position too, and as liberating as it feels, it sounds...selfish. I have not been in this 'only me' state since forever. I went from home to husband to children and now, they have all gone on to live under their own umbrella.

So what if I turned the 'time to make ME happy' into 'what would make God happy?' I have so much time to talk to God now. There are some would say that I'm going back to holding an umbrella over someone's head, but it doesn't work that way with God. I know that if I make Him happy, I'm going to be filled with a joy that is unobtainable from any other source.

Step one today, find out what makes God happy. Journal about it, pray about it, and of course blog about it.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

To Have And To Hold

I went back in my saved messages on my phone to May of last year, and found another voice mail from Steven. He is angry and yelling at me. He is so irate I can't understand what he is saying. It reminded me of dark times during his illness and I ended up in an emotional slump.

I want to delete it, but I can't. When all you have are small, little snippets, you keep every one.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

No Comparison

When I start feeling sorry for myself, I need to remember that this life is but a vapor that is here for a small amount of time and then vanishes away. Surly, I can endure this or the next temporarily challenge.

But what really helps is knowing what IS after this life is over. I am heir to the kingdom. I am a daughter to the King. So I endure, because eternity in a kingdom is worth my momentary trials.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

The Only Perfect Thing Within Me

The only perfect thing within me is God's love. And, fortunately, it is the most important thing.

I love visualizing Jesus standing at the door to our heart knocking. To open the door is step one. To invite Him in will be the best decision of you life. How good it is to not fear death, knowing that at that moment 'real' life begins.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Sanity is Overrated

I may be losing the war on sanity. But, as long as I keep my eyes on Jesus, it'll be okay. I think I'm reverting back in mourning and it's more clear, my need for Steve. But, again, even if I'm being fed lies by Satan, I just have to keep my eyes on the face of Jesus and I'll be okay. Maybe not sane, but okay.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

A Theory To Prove

How can a person have so many wonderful, caring friends and family members and still feel so alone? I want Steven. That's all there is. I can't seem to get a grip. What day did I write about that? The tears, they seem to come and I can't shake it. There is always the theory to prove. Can a person become dehydrated from crying too much. I'll let you know.