Monday, April 28, 2014

Steven, Remember how...

Remember how when we would go out we would make up stories about the people sitting around us? Really, we just felt sorry for them because they weren't talking. They weren't even looking at each other.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Dear Steven,

Ya know that feeling you get when you think of something really funny that happened to just us? We'd try to explain it and it never sounded  as funny as it really was. Well, except for the many, many times things really were funny. Either way, we  loved rehashing.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Dear Steven,

There is no one to tell me I have too much stuff out for a craft. I never throw grocery bags over my head anymore when I unpack groceries, I'm pretty sure I don't snore anymore. I must have only been doing that to irritate you. I loved the way you imitated my snore. And your imitation of me getting a mosquito bite. I never acted like that.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

The Smell Of Your Good Cooking

Dear Steven,

Food doesn't smell as good now. Could be because I burn it. You loved surprising me with a good dinner. I'd try to guess it by the smell when I came home. The only smell now is those scented candles you hated. Hey, were did you hide all my candles? I never have found them.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Easter Was Not The Same

Dear Steven,

Easter was not the same without you. I sat on the deck and listened to neighbors on both sides with family and friends over. I saw them hide eggs and the smell of their food drifted over.  The weather was perfect. But I'm feeling blue. It does help to write you. Maybe I'll do this more.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Who Said Splitting Hostas Was Easy?

It would be so cool if the weather stayed this way. Having the temp be 60 or above makes me happy.

Working outside is so enjoyable. Today was a bit challenging as I split up some hostas. Last year they overtook my sidewalk rather than just fringing it.  My brother-in-law said it was not hard to do, just stick the shovel down the center and split them apart. But that is not how it worked. I was jumping up and down on the shovel like it was a pogo-stick and the shovel did not penetrate the hosta at all. So I became determined. I got a hammer and a large knife thing and starting in the middle  I hammered the knife thing in and wedged it back and forth all the way around the section I wanted. Next, I got to dig a hole. Back to the shovel. I had no idea there were so many rocks to dig through to make 5 holes but I needed a whirlpool bath at the end of it all. I do not like my shovel and my shovel does not like me.

Monday, April 14, 2014

The Missing Journal

I started a new devotional and journal days after Steve passed away. I poured my heart out in mourning and sorrow. I read what I was studying called, The One Year Book Of Hope, which is what I needed. I needed hope for my future by myself.

I took this journal with me when I went to Phoenix. Since I returned home I haven't been able to find it. So, I started a new journal and thought it would show up. It hasn't. I was sharing this with a friend who said that maybe someone found it that needs it more than I do. As embarrasing as that is, it may  be. I don't hold much back in my journals. It's my way of getting out anger, disappointment and frustration. Then the blog is a toned down version where I sound mostly sane.

What would some man or woman, young, old, married or single, think of the rantings of a crazy woman? Maybe it would make them more grateful for life, or for their loved ones, or God? Or maybe the darn journal is under my couch, waiting to be found.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Pain And Heartache

I used to think the only way to help other people was to be emotionally healthy. Now I see, in my brokenness, it can give others opportunity to share their heartache. It allows us to be comrades in the pain and the path to healing.

I see mourning as a chest that holds all the aches and tears, the painful memories and flashbacks. Each time the lid is cracked a bit, I am shrouded in grief over missing my husband. The words I said or didn't say that hurt him, the things he held so closely and couldn't share, the laughing and crying. But, as the chest empties, my hope is that the pain will lessen. Either that, or I'll get used to it.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Let The Creativity Flow

I love making things with a vintage-shabby look of lace and muslin. I also love giving things away to people. Several say what I make is appealing and I could sell them individually or in a craft booth.

I may someday, but right now, I have a deal with God to provide me the time and resources to create and I will give away these gifts. God is so good.


Saturday, April 5, 2014

Fishing With Steven

I told my mother-in-law it would be so sad to not go out on the boat with Steven. She reminded me that the boys would probably take me if I wanted to go.

But, it's not the boat, or the peaceful sound of nothing but birds that I miss. It's Steven and his excitement when he's readying to go. It's taking breakfast, lunch and snacks because you just know it's going to be an all-dayer. It's watching him in his element from the first cast to the last. How I would tease him when it got away, and was silent when he snagged a tree. How I put his sun screen on him because he couldn't possibly stop fishing long enough to do it himself. It was talking, or not talking and the silence was okay because the sound of him casting his line said it all.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

If I Disappeared

I left for church on Saturday in a rush and forgot my phone. No big deal. I don't have to have it strapped to me like when I worried about Steven needing me. But, after church I went to get groceries and then to Menard's. I kept thinking of my phone hoping no one was trying to reach me.

I unload all my purchases and by the time I found my phone to check for calls, it had been over 4 hours. Nothing. No texts or calls. I was relieved and then immediately disappointed. I wondered, if I never came long would it be before someone started worrying.