Friday, May 30, 2014

Deja Vu

Once upon a time there was a beautiful...okay...decent looking divorcee, who was going through a bad spell in life. She was raising two boys on very little income. Abondoned by the husband she thought would never leave her, she felt confused and lost.

And now another bad spell.  Beauty is behind her, as is short shorts and long hair. It is widowhood this time and the boys are raised, but none less worried about. Feeling abandoned by the husband she thought would never leave her. She felt confused and lost.

Deja Vu.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

If You're Happy And You Know It

I ran into an old friend from another job I had and she said the sweetest thing. She said, "You guys were always happy. You both teased and joked."

I remember how when we were on vacation, someone asked how long we had been dating? We said we had been married blah blah years.

Steve are you happy somewhere else without me? Are you laughing it up? I'm really trying.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Love Means Saying You're Sorry

It's very hard when  I think back to things I said that hurt Steve. It wasn't often but those memories haunt me now. Did I apologize?  Did he die thinking I still felt that way? Oh how I wish I could go back in time.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Sometimes I See You

I think sometimes I see you. Your car in the distance, your profile in a crowd or your laugh in a different isle of the grocery store. Even though you never laughed in grocery stores.

I can  be okay, then see someone holding hands and remember how our hands met perfectly to hold as we walked. Its so easy to think that no one else could have loved the way we did.

I'm not the same person I was when you were here. I'm both weaker and stronger. I wonder if I will always be weepy. But what does it mean when I wake one morning and am not sad at your absence? That in itself will be a sad day

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Two Sides To Every Story

I watched at home group how one couple told the story of their house being built. The memory went back and forth between them. The story would not have been complete without both telling it.

There is so much I don't remember, that Steve did. My story will be incomplete, there is no one to refresh my memory. They are cut if they never happened.

Monday, May 19, 2014


We have all had heartache. It started with a sibling being mean and continued to the boy you like, who ignored you. Then, it was your parents, a spouse and then children. Life has moments you'd like to forget, but the fact is hard.

I thought when I lost my dad, nothing could be worse. I cried for hours. I remembember on my way back from Delta, we stopped for somthing to eat. I cried through the whole meal in the restaurant.

But's not just a heartache. My heart has been in a vice grip so tight I haven't taken a deep breath in 301 days, or 7242 hours, or 4345636 minutes.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Dear Steven, I Miss Your Funny

Tonight, I was watching a movie, Hope Springs, and I remembered you and I watching it together. There was a funny part of the movie and I recall your exact words. You were so funny. I miss your funny.

Friday, May 16, 2014

What Is Good?

I look at my life and my lists of thing that I need to do and it is overwhelming. Life is not good for me right now. I don't want to be me.

But, in my devotion today, God reminded me I'm not to measure 'goodness' by my surroundings, but by Him. And how can we think God is anything less than good?

Of course that still doesn't get things crossed off my list, but God is good, God is good, God is good. Maybe I'm making too much out of the things not getting done. But I need to face it, if I don't get to this list, no one else is going to. I'm it.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Dear Steven

Dear Steven,

I'm riding the mower around the yard and it just looks terrible. Bare spots I'm trying to reseed, (does it hurt to mow over those?) that make it hard to know where you have mowed and where you haven't. So I just kept making circles. Do other people who mow feel like the neighbors are watching, saying, "Hasn't she mowed that section 20 times?".

Your bushes out front turned yellow. I asked your dad for a chain saw to trim them and really meant a hedge trimmer. Dad was so relieved. By the time the trimming was done, the bush is quite small and ugly.

I know your tradition was to take your Mom mushroom hunting on Mother's Day. Not to worry, Michael and Willis took her and she really had fun. You know how she is when she has her boys around. But we all miss you so much. Absolutely nothing is the same.

I know you must be having trouble communicating with me because you haven't even come in a dream. But, I was wondering...what did you do with the remote for the ceiling fan? I really need it.

Monday, May 5, 2014

So Much To Learn

There is so much to learn. I have now mastered the riding mower, but not the big hill that is most of the back yard. 

I've power washed and sanded a porch swing and am now ready to stain. 

I've bought plastic edging for around the sidewalk but still haven't figured out how to use it.

I've bought and planted my flowers in pots and put down mulch.

I keep getting estimates on the bowing basement wall, but still haven't landed on a company to hire. 

I was given a push mower but it is too hard to start, so what to do but 'call Fred'. I'm not sure what I would do without my father-in-law. He is also going to teach me how to use the weed whip. Good thing he is so patient.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Dear Steven,

You know how sometimes I'm irrational and talk about stupid stuff that doesn't make sense to anyone, but me? And you would listen and tell me I was crazy. We would laugh and it would always make me feel better.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Some Decisions Are Too Hard

I have this basement that needs addressing. I need to make decisions about bowing and cracking walls and the best way to fix it. I've gotten a couple estimates but I'm overwhelmed with the amount of money it will take.

There are different ways to fix it from anchors to braces, and the waterproofing is another dilemma with it's own fixes.

I need Steven.