Sunday, June 29, 2014

Now I Know

Now I know you can't get everything done you want.

Now I know cleaning up when you're done isn't always in the cards.

Now I know people say they will do something and after a while you just have to ask someone else.

Now I know how one simple job can end up much bigger.

Now I know, riding a mower around the yard is NOT all that hard.

Thursday, June 26, 2014


I wish you were here and I could call you and tell you about life. I would have called much sooner, like when Steve got sick and then when things got really hard for us. And I'd love to tell you about the boys and what great kids they are. You would love Parker, the first great grandchild. He is great!
There are all the Father's Days and birthdays I think of you. Or when I hear mention of your favorites. There is your favorite author, song, cake, candy bar and many more.

But all that ended one Thursday as we waited at the hospital for you to make it out of surgery, but you didn't. Now,  years later, I wanted you to know you are thought of, often and with much love.


Tuesday, June 24, 2014


There is only one thing we can give God that we have any ownership to is your right to yourself. In doing this He will make a holy experience out of you and God's experiments always succeed.

If we come when He says "Come," He will continue to say "Come" and it will become an echo through us which can be heard by every soul needing a Savior.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Didn't We Almost Have It All

The boys rarely saw us shouting in anger at each other. We didn't have too many fights. Really, you couldn't win with Steve anyway. What they did see was us talking and laughing.

We sat side by side on the couch. We chased each other around until one of us would end up locked outside. We played lots of music and sang along with a mic before there was karaoke. We made bets for exorbitant amounts and kept track of who owed what from 10 1/2 years ago. Good thing there wasn't Google then or we may have known who won. Steve made good homemade meals every night.  And I ate good homemade meals every night.

We...had it all.

We...are no more.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Dear Steven

Dear Steven,

 Yesterday was 11 months since you went away. I wait for you to visit me in my dreams but we must have bad reception.

The thing is, you are probably having a good time and I'm the furthest thing from your mind. And that bothers me. It also bothers me that you are enjoying something I really want.  You might say I'm a bit jealous.

How can I miss you and be mad at you at the same time. And it's no fun being mad if I can't complain about it.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Latest Artwork

My latest piece of artwork for a friend. Took a while but I really enjoyed it. The picture is his backyard view.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Just a Short Chat

Yesterday I watched a coworker laughing on their cell phone outside. I imagine they were talking to their wife. It made me long for that laughter. To pick up the phone and call him. Oh my heart aches. We'd have so much to catch up on. As usual I would go on and on, as usual he would listen...and laugh.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Sorry For Throwing The Coffee Cup

Steve saved all our emails he received while at work. Every once in a while he would send me one that would have us rolling with laughter. One said, 'I'm sorry I threw my coffee cup in anger." We found it easier to apologize by email. Not that I recall him ever apologizing. I think it was mostly my job. Sure wish I had those emails to check.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

The Old Camera

I found an old camera in a drawer and became emotional at the thought there could be pictures of Steve I haven't saw. Seeing an expression on his face... It would be like having him back for a minute.

I still haven looked yet at the pictures. Maybe there are none and then the hope is gone.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Our Child

I wonder if other people note milestones that 'would have been' had they not miscarried.
Each graduation announcement I receive reminds me that this would have been the year our child would have graduated high school. I wonder how different the last 18 years would have been had our child lived. One less grieving heart or one more child to help me heal.

Monday, June 9, 2014

For The Love Of Reading

At the campfire, my son read a favorite Thoreau passage on his iPad. I was impressed with his reading aloud skills and told him so. He said, "Well, what did you expect with all the reading aloud you did, and had us do when we were young?"

I loved reading books to them. We would come home with a dozen or more library books where they were put on a bookshelf just for them. We would leave the TV off and they would snuggle into their beanbag chairs with their stack of books.

I acquired my love of books from my dad who had a library several shelves full. And I'm glad the boys still enjoy a good book. You can go anywhere without leaving the comfort of your beanbag.

Friday, June 6, 2014

One Dilemma Down

I ordered a remote off eBay for my ceiling fan. I knew I was going to have to guess a four digit code on the remote to match what Steve programmed into the fan unit.

As I lay there guessing, all four notches up, all four notches down, I prayed, "Lord, this could take a while. I may not even have the right remote. Can you help me out?" And the next guess what the correct one.

I'm so happy to have a working ceiling fan in the bedroom. And glad to have a God that narrowed my search from 10,000 combinations to 3.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Visiting Steven

Sometimes I have to go back and visit the last few months before Steven died. To not do this feels like I'll lose him.

Over time we switched roles. I became stronger as he became weaker with the cancer. Instead of him holding me with strong arms, I held him. I did his chores around the house and asked for advice when stumped. I worried about life then and in the future. I planned a funeral behind his back, behind everyone's back.

I remember the sounds from that time with Steven. The loud beep of the oxygen machine when we turned it off, the ring tone on my phone when he would call for help and later the bell he'd ring when the phone became too hard. The sound of the motorized chair as it moved him thru the house. And the cough. I hear that cough now and I know that person is sick with lung cancer.

I try to hear his voice, raspy from the bronchoscopy, and that is when the tears begin. Just the voice before I even get to the words he may have said. Everyone has limits.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

I Have What I Need

Today, because of God, I have what I need. It may not seem like it at the time, but things could always be worse. And when I reflect on the past, it never seems as bad as it did at the time. Kind of like childbirth. A miracle.