Thursday, July 31, 2014

How I Am

I am still pretty up and down throughout each day. There is always a trigger that makes me think of Steve. Monday, I listened to the voice mail I have saved at my work phone. Skipping it would have been an option but I didn't know how and at the risk of deleting it, I listened. He's checking in with me, as he would do if his day started off bad when I was leaving for work. His voice is weak and sick, but he says my name, or his version of it, Neece. 

This is the point someone slugs me in the stomach and I bend over in a pain that is bittersweet. Oh, how I've missed that voice, that name, that man.

Maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad if I listened to it with someone. Stop by my office, I'd love to play it for you.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

The Question For Today

I have downfalls and make mistakes. I don't think God is trying to teach me something in these as much as He wants me to unlearn something. Maybe my instinct to fix things myself instead of making my relationship with Him be my top priority.

And in my sorrow,  do the things I find comfort and solace in bring me closer or pull me away from God? That is the question for today.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

What Channel Are You On?

Today, I'm going to smile inside and out and be happy to be alive. I'm going to take time to look for beauty around me, and be thankful. If a negative or sad thought invade, I'll switch the channel back to 'Grateful and Breathing'. The channel is there, I remember it well. I just need to tune in alone now. I can do this, today.

Monday, July 21, 2014

The One Year Mark

Surrounded by family and friends, the one year anniversary of Steven's passing away went well. The plan was for his mom and I to not spend the time alone and reflective and we definitely did not. The stories shared were precious and appreciated. It was evident he was very loved by many.

I'm thankful to those who have tried to make this easier for us this past year. And now, don't stop remembering and talking about him.  Even if we shed tears we still like talking about Steve. And even though it has been a year, we still ache for what we had and now live without.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Don't Use Pillows If You Have The Real Thing

When I think back to a year ago as Steve lay dying, I am swept up with emotion. I wanted him to pass on and be out of pain but at the same time I wanted to beg him to stay and not leave me.  The sensible me verses the emotional me.

I met a woman last week whose husband went into surgery and then passed away. No warning, just a kiss goodbye not knowing it was the last kiss. Who knows which way is easier or has less regrets, but The One who decides our beginning and our end.

Oh, that he could hold me again. Did you know if you put pillows here and there you can pretend they are arms and fall asleep? Please, go hug the one you love. Say the words. Treasure the time.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

I Am Where I Am

I am where I am. This path of mourning has me moving forward one day and then on my knees the next. But, how good to know I'm where I'm supposed to be.
Two friends in the same position as I are dating and engaged. I am still crying all the time. I had someone tell me they have seen so much growth in me, but it's all based on what I tell them.
I ask myself questions to make sure I'm on the right track. Am I leaning on God for my strength and not something else? Am I in The Word? Because that's one way He speaks to me. Am I seeking wisdom, and not just wishing I had it? If so, I'm on the right path. I am where I am.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Questions About Life

What if I didn't believe in God? Where would I think Steven was? What would I do without the hope that I will see him again?

What if words like luck and fate were all I had? As my circumstances of misfortune built stone upon stone around me and I made one bad decision after another, how would I cope? Would I be angry and depressed?

Now add God and the assurance that even those circumstances that pull the rug from under my feet were orchestrated by someone bigger who loves me like no other.  And the stone built around me were living stones being used for a purpose. And there on this sure foundation is a cornerstone named Jesus Christ.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Easing the Guilt

I feel guilty for not calling people. I've never been good at picking up the phone and dialing. I guess you can't really dial anymore anyway.

I think of friends and family I haven't talked to for a while and then I think, "For crying out loud, you lost your husband, you are living alone for the first time in forever, why are they not checking on you?" And then I feel released from the guilt.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Taking Off With Nothing

I love stories about people who give away everything and take off relying on the kindness of strangers to survive.

It is the true story of the disciples. And there is a book written about it. The difference is, the disciples had a message and risked persecution and death to tell it. There was much suffering for this Good News, and I'm just one that it has reached thousands of years later.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

One Year

One year of caring for my dying husband.  One year of healing and living without him. How am I different from June 6th 2012? I'm not sure I even remember.

I am...a different person, but isn't everyone? I'm stronger I know, yet often feel weaker on my strength alone.

What happens now? Do I stop crying and talking about it? Does that year just fade into the sunset?
Do I blog about what it was really like? The parts that don't shed such a good light on Steven, or me for that matter? Was it normal to love like I did and hurt like I do? Maybe the next year will be the year of questions and answers.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Knowledge To Be Thankful For

July 15th, 2013, I wrote a post that once again asked God to change His mind about Steven's impeding death. I knew He held his life in His hands. I also trusted His judgment. Steve died 5 days later.

That day, it was as if the fog of cancer and pain lifted long enough for him to tell me things I needed to know about finances. That he waited until he was on his death bed to do this I'll never understand. But, the fact that he wasn't taken quickly leaving me in the dark about these things, I'll remain thankful for.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Just What I Need

It is when my situation seems hopeless that I read how God said to Gideon, "Go with the strength you have. I will be with you."

The peace He offers is not a feeling or a possession but a person. I will move forward with my small amount of personal and spiritual strength and see Jesus revealed as Peace. Just what I need.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Could We Start Again Please

Most of all I miss your smile, no your touch, no your words,

My world seems to be tilting and I'm afraid of falling, or worse, not falling.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Maybe It's Me, But....

You are everywhere. You are in the sudden downpour and in the beating down of the sun. The water laps at the river's edge and it should be bringing your boat. I hear the sound of the races on Sunday night and think of you and cold beer. You are the car outside my office when I hear a door slam. It is you coming to see me at work. The smell of grilled food, the sound of a top being popped. A cigarette smell, the sound of a train, your car, your robe, your soap, you.