Friday, August 29, 2014

Missing Him

I 'liked' a Facebook group called Widows United. One of the questions readers responded to was, what do you miss the most about your husband?

For me, it would be the laughter. We teased a lot. Then, there are the great meals he made. And how no one can make certain meals just like he did.

But, perhaps the hardest for me is our bed. He would hold me until I fell asleep for naps. Then, if he couldn't go out, he would get up and make breakfast. I'd wake up to great smells.

I think it's odd no one responded to the question by saying, "I miss the making love" I won't either.

Monday, August 25, 2014

What We Think About

Why do I struggle with self-esteem issues? Yes, I've had criticism over my lifetime as everyone has. But, it's amazing, I can remember so clearly the place, time, person and words that were spoke negatively about me. I find myself replaying the scenario in my mind.

Now I've also had some definite build-up moments but I don't always remember those. Why is that, when it could be so beneficial?

It's very appealing to be around someone who is confident and not always belittling themselves about their weight, or lack of skills.

I actually think I'm okay. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all. Too bad my beholder is not here anymore. I'll have to be my own beholder.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Control Of What?

Sometimes I spend too much time trying to control things and then being disappointed when they don't end up the way I want them to. I wonder if everyone spends as much time second guessing themselves as I do.

Maybe I'll just let life happen.  It's going to happen anyway, I might as well relax. I'll do some stretches and deep breathing and be on my way. Oh, and I'll smile.

One of my favorite posts on this blog was one where I needed to trust God in Steven's terminal illness. Here is an excerpt;

There are times we all find ourselves in deep water. Maybe you were having a Titanic moment goofing around with your arms out straight feeling the wind. Or maybe you stood on the edge of the ship and foolishly jumped at your own choosing. In my case I was blindsided and pushed. One minute I was smelling the sea air thinking how good life was and the next I'm sinking. In my head I'm thinking bodies rise and float right? But maybe that's when they're dead. I struggle to the top and burst free taking a giant gulp of air. There is drift wood and I grab onto it for support.

So here are my choices. I can flounder around kicking and splashing and perhaps attract the attention of a shark. I can cry and scream out, "Why? Why?" to the empty darkness. Or I can float.

I don't know where this ride is going and that is scary if I think too hard, so I don't. But I know I have something to hold onto and I'm not letting that go because it's my saving grace.

 Oh Lord, can I truly just lay my head on my arm, close my eyes and You will take me on this journey? Can I trust You to never leave me and make sure I have what I need to survive until my feet touch land? Your promise has to be different than Steve's though because he promised he would never leave me, and I think he's going to.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Being Grateful

When Steven died, I wanted to die too. I was exhausted in every way possible and will remain thankful to everyone who was there for me. So I lived, but in a state of numbness. Now I am grateful for life. Grateful to have survived and most of all grateful to have loved like I did.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

The Secret

I was watching this documentary called The Secret. It basically says you call into action what you think. It shows a guy going to the mailbox and thinking how there will be a bill inside and sure enough there is. But, if he had approached the mailbox with the vision and feeling that there would be a check in the mailbox, that would be more likely to happen.

It said we order what the universe gives. If you think you will have bad luck all the time, you will. I know someone like that. If something bad can happen, it will happen to him. He'll be the first one to start at the beginning of time and tell you each and every bad thing. But, that is what he looks for and shares about and according to the documentary, that is what he gets.

It said our minds are the power behind our consequences and if we think in error, we just  rethink and life will correct itself. This was where I realized how very good it feels to know I'm NOT in control and can admit I DON'T know what is best for me. But my Jesus does know. He knows the story of my life and what happens 16 chapters from now.

I don't know the middle part of my life, only that I'll be given all I need to endure what happens. What I do know, is how the story ends.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

A Healing Kind Of Faith

Without faith, there is no confidence in a life beyond this one. Our living is useless, powerless and impotent. I want the kind of faith that allows for meaning and purpose in my life now. And even more than that, I want the assurance of peace that comes from confidence in a life eternal.

Even in my sadness, I can say, "This is temporary, I will heal." And I am. The loss of Steven does not seem all consuming as it once did. It doesn't take the whole day to recover from a time of tears. I can laugh and think more positive about tomorrow and the day after that. And I can feel peace knowing my real home is waiting in Heaven.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

I'm Different

I am a different person than a year ago when my husband died. I'm different than 2 years ago when he was diagnosed. I didn't know how God was going to be seen in all this, but He always manages when His pupils are willing.

I'm...waking up. I don't know how else to say it. My senses are heightened. I smell the fall season.  Does anyone else? I listen to the outside noises like trains and night bugs and know soon I won't hear them. Colors I notice, food tastes good. It is always a good thing when foods taste good.

Really, we are all different than we were a year ago. In what good way are you changed? Can you see God in it?

Monday, August 11, 2014

Listening To One's Self

Today I will listen to no self defeating thoughts I come up with. I'll be the confident woman I was created to be.

I hadn't realized the extent I relied on Steven to talk me back up when I had self doubts. Having to do this on my own makes me feel like I'm having a conversation...with myself.

"Should I have said that differently?" , "Duh"
"I hope my face didn't show what I really thought" , "Gee, maybe she wasn't looking at you just then."
"Why the heck did I wear this?" "Because once again you didn't think!"

I don't really lack confidence, unless I listen to myself.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

What Comes After?

When you are going through something hard, you say, "It will be over soon." But when Steven was dying of terminal cancer I couldn't look with any peace at my future because it meant he would be gone and I would be left alone.

I finally took a notebook and started writing a list of things I would do 'later'. that would make me happy. Oh the guilt associated with this was unbelievable. But self preservation is automatic. We must have hope. Some of the things I wrote were;

Take a road trip

Buy a new pair of shoes

Go to a fancy restaurant  to eat

Go away for the weekend

Now I am here, left alone and he is gone. And do you think I can find that notebook?

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Thinking It Through

I'm sad Steve is gone, but I'm working at being able to say I'm happy I'm alive. If I say I'm good, it goes on in my head that Steven's dead, I'm good therefore I must be happy he's dead. I need to take it one fact at a time.

I  did the best I could to make life as comfortable as possible for Steven.
Steven's life was taken from him and I.
I go on everyday.
To curl up and be sad for too long will not bring him back or make me feel better.
So the alternative is to live. Might as well live to the fullest right?

Or, I hear Steven saying I think too much, and can quit tearing it apart.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Trying For Joy

Today, I will make an effort to be joyful. Not that I have to try hard to obtain joy, but to keep it despite the spirals.

These spirals called memories of another time. Maybe the cliff can appear more as a step in depth. It would be peaceful to be reminded of my time with Steve and smile. I know as day after day of a new me emerges, I get closer to this.