Sunday, November 30, 2014

Please Don't Fade Away

He is fading from me. Steven is becoming a shadow and I know this is what time does, but it feels...betraying.

It used to be when I had a thought, I would hear his voice in my head with his response. I don't have that as much anymore. I go longer periods without crying but then hear a song or someones 'cancer story' and for the rest of the day can't stop crying.

Last year, when he had been gone 5 months, I decorated my tree with copies of notes he left me. Each one precious with it's own memory. This year he has been gone 1 year and 5 months and somehow decorating the tree with these same notes doesn't seem right.

I would apologise to him but I'm sure I'm not on his mind anymore, so why the guilt that he is not always on mine?

Monday, November 24, 2014

It's Not Funny

I think all my reading glasses are in cahoots. I place one pair in each room, yet when I want a pair they are not to be found. It's as if they are all in one place laughing as I get more frustrated with each room I look in.

I think the time has come. I'm buying a chain.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Just Organized

Today I sat down and started my list of gifts I need to have. The number I came up with was 40. That seems like a lot of gifts to me. I've been making little things to give, but they seem so small and insignificant. I know this is untrue because personally I would love to keep what I'm making.

Although the list is long, I feel more organized just having it all wrote down so I can cross off each name as I have a gift. So I continued in my notebook bought just for this occasion, the other lists needed. The menu for Thanksgiving and what others are bringing, my next shopping list for groceries, things to order online,  my checklist of holiday duties, like decorate and get Christmas cards addressed, a calendar with plans noted and on and on. Then to complete the organized list making, I put little tabs on the edges and labeled them. is good.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Our First Snow

Last night I decided to take my son dinner and some coffee while he was at work. I put together this wonderful salad, grabbed a package he got in the mail and headed to Starbucks. The roads were not too bad, but when I left there and started toward Rock Island, it seemed there was more ice on the road than ever. I saw cars sliding and an accident where there were four police cars.

I finally gave up and headed home. I reminded myself to breathe and stop my death grip on the steering wheel. I felt bad telling my son I wouldn't make it. The salad was really good though.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Present Your Requests With Thanksgiving

I made a change to the way I pray. Instead of asking God to bless my children with this or that, I thank Him for what he is doing in their lives for His glory. Instead of asking God to help Parker with his speech problem, I thank Him for what He is doing in Parker's life as this child is being raised.

I saw the benefits of this at work last week. I've been working on balancing this account and because of a bank error it became confusing and multi-layered over a few months. Instead of praying to solve this thing once and for all, I started the morning with a prayer of thanks for how God was going to resolve this and how nice it would be to be done with the issue. Over and over I thanked Him until finally I'm at my desk in front of a stack of reports with all that went in and out of this account. It is the point I'm usually overwhelmed and would pray to be smarter, but I told Him how relived I was that it would be over (before I had begun), and I could go on to easier tasks.

I added the numbers I had added so many times before trying to come up with a total that made sense so I could back out the supposed error. But this time the answer came the first time. I had a total and as I  looked down at my reports there it was. It all made sense. You may say it was fate and it would have happened regardless of prayer. It only matters what I think in this precious walk I'm on, and I will continue in the step of gratitude.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Enjoy The Good Life

I'm overwhelmed and tired. I probably have brought this on myself, but I'm just prioritising and proceeding. Last week I had a couple days in a row of coming home from work, having a quick easy dinner and then a couple hours to do whatever.  I felt guilty, but I won't make that mistake again. I need to take the slow days and enjoy because right around the corner are busy ones with no break and a list as long as my arm, which has hurt ever since I used my kick-butt gas leaf blower.

Friday, November 7, 2014

Basement Success

What a relief the basement is waterproofed and the I-beams are in place. The walls have a nice white clean look as part of the waterproofing. I can now get back to the original plan of making it a better looking basement, even if only for storage. But, now I'm seeing possibilities of maybe an actual room too hang out in, rather than storage. I'm not sure where to put all the stuff that used to be stored there.

I'm not a hoarder, but I do hold onto things. I have toys from every stage of a child's life, boxes of Steve's things not to be parted with yet. There are several years worth of the body shop paperwork, books, crafts, vases, flower pots. Well, maybe I'm on the edge of hoarding.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Levels of Commitment

I have to admire the nuns who live in a convent and give their all to God. By removing themselves from society, they eliminate many of the world's temptations.

They devote themselves to a life of prayer, chastity and holiness. They surround themselves with others willing to do the same. Cloistered without outside influences their mind can stay focused.  I'm impressed by this dedication, but for myself, there are too many things I would miss, proving to me there are different levels of commitment.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

The Blessing Of Friends

I'm so blessed to have people who care about me. They see a need and come to my rescue. I had 5 people come Saturday to help me rake, mow and bag. We did my whole yard in 1 1/2 hours. It would have taken me many hours to do this on my own.

When you work all day it's hard (and now dark) to do this after you get off. Then the weekends you have to rely on the weather, having no other commitments and feeling well to accomplish the outside stuff. But, per the calendar, time is running out for outside stuff.  Soon it will be cold and snowy. I'll be stuck inside with only inside things. And that sounds really good right now.