Monday, March 30, 2015

Aggressive Words + Soft Voice = Nothing

I think my biggest fault is not being aggressive enough. There are times it is needed, even from the mild mannered. I'm taking a personal finance class. One of the lessens is to barter. We practiced say, "That's not good enough!", in class. But, my words were soft, my expression smiling.

I counted on Steven to take care of confrontation. He was good at it. Maybe from dealing with insurance companies in the business. Now, without him, I avoid it. Maybe it's a woman thing. What do you think?

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Prayer Quota

Everyone needs prayer. I needed it really bad as I nursed Steven. So even though its been almost 2 years, I feel like I used up my quota and I still won't put my needs in the pot. God knows what they are. I'm good.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Plans For The Future

I have had a few people tell me it's okay to date now. As though I were waiting for consent after a certain amount of 'widow days'. But, I'm just letting life happen and enjoying being alive.

When you watch someone suffer as much as Steven did before he passed away, you get a new appreciation for waking up each day. Yes, the winter has been bad, and I've had my share of colds,  but I'm so thankful for life.

I had a friend tell me that God knows my everyday from birth to death. Any anxiety I have about who I meet and who I share my future with or if I remain alone are dispelled. It's a relief really, to know I'm not in charge. I've made some bad choices when I tried living outside the shadow of God. It's a great way to get burnt.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Getting A Man To Talk

Even though Steven had a 30 year old business, he wouldn't broach the subject of what should be done with it when he passed away. When he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, my greatest fear began. Only this was life and not a nightmare you can wake up from.When you are a caregiver, you want to do everything you can to make the sick person comfortable. Being a nagging wife was not in the cards. So how was I to get the knowledge only he had?

I consulted a pastor who spent time listening to me as I struggled. He said Steven may never talk. This was not acceptable, but what choice did I have? Stomping my foot and slamming a door were not me. And didn't he have struggles he wanted to talk to someone about? Was he scared of death or pain? Was he worried about me or the boys? There were lines I couldn't cross and being the good wife I would let it go. But I knew this was not how a healthy marriage should work. Silence, he was good at silence.

Do you know your spouses wishes? Is there a way to pay for things? Talk about this while you are both healthy. After all, none of us will escape it.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Past Fear

One of my greatest fears in the past was that Steve would die before me. I was afraid because it wasn't something we talked about or planned. We didn't have life insurance or a will. And when I brought these topics up, I was shot down in a way only a husband can do. He did it by avoidance, refusing to even be drawn into the conversation and thus spared explanation.

I think back and honestly believe he thought he was indivisible and above death. He refused to have checkups and wouldn't wear his seat belt. He drove too fast and smoked too much.

I was eventually successful in his acquiring life insurance, but it was not without a fight. Why something could mean so much to me and so little to him is a mystery. Maybe because it hadn't been his idea.