Monday, July 20, 2015

The End Of The Story?

Tonight, I go back to 2013 of my blog, and the mouse just hovers over July. Why am I hesitant to click and read the end of the story? Sure it makes me sad but I owe him the courtesy of remembering how it all felt.

So I read and I cry and feel it all again. And while my words are so very sad, the comments that were wrote by people to each post spoke in a love as deep as the one I have for Steven. There were uplifting words and Bible verses. These people cried with me and encouraged me to go on. I cannot emphasize how much that helped me. Thank you each one.

If I read the blog as an outsider through July and August 2013, my thought were to feel so very sorry for this couple having to deal with all the dynamics surrounding an impending death. How did they do this with each day getting closer to the end? I think it was raw humanity, broken hearts begging with little physical strength and God.

I'm so thankful I took the time to write like I did back then. I would never have remembered those moments in each day. But what about now? Was that really the end of the story? If so, there is a Book 2, because I still breathe and blank pages must be filled.  I'm not sure what it will be called, but Support 2 Lanes will be ending soon but be remembered forever.


Friday, July 17, 2015

The Second Anniversary

As I near near the 2nd anniversary of Steven's passing I am again amazed at the passage of time. Where does it go so quickly? My thoughts are their usual scattered of ups and downs but fortunately life has taken on a new rhythm. I could never have imagined I'd be able to ever be happy in this setting, but for the most part I am.

I read Widows United on Facebook and feel for these women who after years of being alone have not moved on and are still carrying a load of grief that prevents them from ever seeing the joy life still has.

Our husbands are usually our main source of comfort and companionship, our best friend. It takes time to accept the reality that that is all gone. Yet in every minute after the shock wears off you are reminded. This emptiness cannot be filled with family and friends.

When I think of Steve, I try to be content with the knowledge that for him, the pain is gone. He is no longer in a fight to the death with cancer. And I remind myself that in all the love he had for me, he would want me to be happy. He kept telling me I'm stronger than I think and I can do this, and again, he is right. He always loved being right.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Widowhood

Widowhood has been both easy and hard. Easy in some ways to adapt to, because I am fine by myself. Hard in some ways because there are many jobs that are just easier if you are the husband. Men seem more task oriented and mechanical.

I went to a dating website and viewed some of the profiles. These men want someone who they can potentially marry and have a life partner. That's not what I want. I don't want to live anywhere else nor have anyone move in with me.

I want my artwork laid out on the dining room table for weeks. But I want the bed made neatly each morning. Bathrooms have to be clean all the time. No TV on just to make noise. I want to dance to booming music with no one watching, and sing loud making up lyrics as I go along. I want to text 12 people then wait for them to respond and keep it all straight. I want to cry uncontrollably just because I thought of something about Steve. I want to talk about he and I. Maybe because it involved 23 years of my life and it's hard to leave him out of stories.

I had a friend tell me when I meet Mr. Right all that will go by the wayside. But I already met, had and lost Mr. Right.